It'll all work itself out

As I was walking to the grocery store today I was thinking that is there a fixed amount of "it'll work itself out" per person? If for a long time things just fell into place and then all of a sudden they don't anymore and no matter what you do you don't seem to get a break, is it because you ran out of "it'll all work itself out"?

After high school I wanted to go to law school but didn't have the time, discipline or will power to study for the entrance exams so I followed my best friend to Hämeenlinna and went to a business school for a year. The plan was to go to school for a year and study for the entrance exams. Uh huh. After the year was over I knew I didn't want to continue the second year so I moved to Helsinki, cleaned for the summer and found a place in Wales to go work as an Au Pair. That gig was for 5 months after which the family moved back to Finland and I was left to look for another gig. I found one in England and worked there till the end of July when I came back to Finland to start my studies in Tampere.

When I was studying in Tampere, we had to have 1 year of practical training which basically meant we had to work through our summers and then in our 3rd year we had 6 months to work as well. The first 2 summers I was able to go back to Wales and volunteer for an environmental conservation groups. For the final 6 months I went to work for our local waste management company. I've never been an environmentally conscious person and the reason why I studied to become environmental engineer was because I wanted to study in English and that was the only other subject matter taught in english beside business and nursing...so when it was time for me to decide on what my final thesis would be about, I went back to the waste management company to see if they could help me with ideas or projects. And they could. I started working for them in January of 2005, 5 months before graduation doing my thesis and other work they needed me to do. I stayed there after graduation, the environmental engineer gets pregnant, they need someone to cover for her...I meet Tiffany, we fall in love, I want to move to USA, I save money, I find a school, move there and the rest is history. I didn't work during my first year there but was able to find a job through Domenica who had been coordinating the entertainment and happenings for the international students...only for my boss to leave and Domenica to take over for her. It all worked itself out until graduation. After that I wasn't eligible to work for the school anymore, my money was gone, we couldn't pay the rent for our B-ville apartment and we had to move to Brooklyn which Tiffany just hated. I wasn't able to find a job, my visa ran out, I had to leave the country and we broke up.

Is my bad fortune now pay back for the good fortune I had before? Is my quota of it'll work itself out gone? Will it go back to zero for the next decade? Should I just wait the 2010 out and start fresh next year? Will I start with a good fortune and go back to bad towards the end of the next decade? Or will it start with bad and turn around at some point?

Or is it maybe that if something doesn't work itself out, it's because it wasn't meant to be? I've been broke for a year and a half...does this mean I really don't need money? My job situation always kinda fell into place...does this year and a half without one mean that I'm not meant to have one? Maybe I'm just meant to be unemployed and instead of bitching and moaning about it I should embrace it? Take it easy, let loose, enjoy my life and not worry so much? Qe sera, sera, whatever will be, will be...

The apartment situation seems to be working itself out....well, I do need to do some work to get it but there seem to be places available... so why is the job so difficult? But not to worry, 2010 is almost over and next year and decade will be mine. I thought this one was too until October 21 hit. But hey, it'll all work itself out.

And the cycle might be completed

In my search for a place to live in I went to see couple of apartments today. The first one was a studio, 29m2... only 3 m2 smaller than the one I lived in before moving to USA but seemed like a closet. I know I don't have a lot of money and am not really in a position to complain or be choosy but that was way too small.

Earlier this week I e-mailed the landlord of the row homes across the street from my parents house. She said they don't have any studios but they do have 1 bedroom apartments and that we could discuss my situation today when she has office hours in the building, so off to meet her I went. She showed me 3 different places and we agreed that I'd take one of them if I don't hear back from the city by next week. The apartment I would move into is next to the apartment where we lived when I was born! We (me and my mom) thought it was the same one but now that I think about the layout I don't think it's the same after all. But, if I move in there, it would be the 5th place on this same street that I've live in! Can't seem to get away from this street! Other than this street, I've lived on 2 different places in Forssa. I've also lived in 2 places in Tampere, 1 in Hämeenlinna, 1 in Helsinki, 5 places in around UK and 4 places in USA... If home is where the heart is, I wonder where my home is now then?

So, to conclude my almost exciting post, keep your fingers crossed for good news next week!

Not helping

Why is it that when people break up their friends and family and acquaintances feel the need to offer opinions and advices that are really not helping? If you say your heart is broken they will say it'll pass before you know it. Not helping. If you say you just broke up they say good riddance. Not helping. They ask you after 2 weeks if you're still heart broken about it? Seriously? If you say your trying to get used to the idea of not being together they say go get yourself a 19 year old and enjoy. Are you kidding me? For the past 5 years she has been a major part of my life and that doesn't just go away. People telling me or her that we are better off without each other is not helping. There is a lot of mourning in front of us and people belittling our relationship is NOT helping. Little space, time and respect would be nice. I do not need a new relationship or one night stand or whatever to get better and get over it. I do not need people telling me that it'll be ok and I'll be better for it. What I need is a job a year ago, a green card and a house by the beach but that didn't happen so now I'm playing with the cards I was dealt with. Unfortunately that means no Tiffany. I'll deal with it on my own on my own time. When I'm over it I'll let you know. In the meantime, I'd appreciate no stupid advice or questions, thank you.

I miss you

Until I was 25 I didn’t know who I was. Then I hear music and I see a picture  on TV and all of a sudden I know who I am. I know what was different about me and everything makes sense. I meet a girl and my life makes sense. I fall in love and it all makes sense. I know who I am. The love songs make sense even though they are about a boy and a girl. The love stories make sense even though they are about a boy and a girl. Everything around me makes sense even though they’re about a boy and a girl. My story is not about a boy and a girl but I can understand their feelings, their love, and their excitement.

Tiffany is the most amazing person you’ll ever meet. She has a kind, big heart and she takes care of people. She seems tough and she doesn’t let people in easily and she doesn’t let people know that she has a soft side but deep down she has the biggest heart I’ve ever known and she is and will help a lot of people.

She has a larger than life personality. One thing I’ve always admired about her is the way she attracts people. I’m nothing like her, I’m a wallflower but she has a way about her that attracts people. When ever she enters a room people flock towards her. She is funny and kind and she’s someone that you just wanna be around. She has a way of making you feel like you’re the most important person in her life, and for a couple of years I had the honor of being that person. The most important person in her life. My life was better with her in it. My life was bright and shiny and fun. She has a way of making everything and anything fun. She could make the most mundane story to sound like the most exciting thing on earth. I couldn’t wait to get her home after work so I could hear all about her day. And I wasn’t and am not the only one. Whenever there was a family function people were going to her to tell their problems and to listen to her tell her stories and get advice. Same with her friends. Everybody just flock to her…she has a way about her that cannot be explained. And for a short period of time I was somebody. I was with her…I was the girl she was with so I must have been somebody too. I was worth her love so I must have been somebody.

My world is silent and dark and humorless now. There are no more stories. There’s no more joy. There are no more funny stories how she fell asleep on the subway on some tall Chinese man’s shoulder.  There are no more updates on how her family is. There are no more stories on how our cats are. There are no more stories on how Carly and Adriana are doing. There are no more stories on what she wants from her life. There are no more jokes. It’s all dark.

I don’t know how to communicate. I blew it and I can’t fix it even though I want it so bad. I want my girlfriend back. I want my best friend back. I want my soul mate back. I want the love of my life back. I know I can’t have it but that’s what I want.

I made her the center of my universe and I always knew that’s not what you are supposed to do. You’re supposed to have your own life outside your relationship so that you can co-exist in your relationship but also need your own life and own interests for yourself. I let my friendships die or I didn’t nurture them when I moved to USA. I let my Finnish friends go because I made Tiffany the center of my universe and now I am paying the price for it. I have few amazing friends who are doing their very best to make me feel better but they have their own lives and I can’t butt in or expect them to drop everything for me. For 5 years Tiffany was my best friend, my partner, my better half and she got me. She got my sense of humor which is not easy to do. I’m sarcastic, I’m not PC and I can have pretty harsh sense of humor but she got it. She might not always agree with me 100% but she got me. She got my sense of humor and she got my point of view even if she didn’t agree with me. Now there’s no more laughter, there’s no more joy. There’s no sense of humor. There’s no fun. I miss her so bad. There’s nobody else in this world that’s like her and I’m afraid I will never meet another person who got me like she did.  Who made me laugh so hard. You can never underestimate the power of laughter and the power of people getting your sense of humor. You cannot underestimate the power of having fun together.

I’m limited in what I can do and I wish I wasn’t aware of it. I wish I was one of those people who didn’t realized there are things they could have done but didn’t. And now it’s too late. I lost my partner, I lost my best friend and I lost my soul mate. My world is cold and dark and there’s no more laughter.  I don’t know what the future has in store for me but I hope it’s not this painful.

The one thing I have going for me

Fiction! Let's ruin that too!

Since Tiffany broke up with me 2 weeks ago I have escaped to the land of fiction. TV to be exact. Grey's anatomy...my favorite and only lesbian TV couple was giving me hope that maybe, just maybe it was possible to get back together after being broken up and be happy and live happily ever after...well, that lasted all of 7 episodes. Thank you so much for ruining that for me too. Well, my eye candy is still there so at least I have that...whatever it takes to get true these days...whatever it takes. You cope however you can and maybe one day it won't hurt so much.

Since fiction and real life are totally different, let's go back to my crappy life.

Shoes

Instead of getting a phone call today, I got an e-mail saying I have not been chosen to be interviewed on Friday for a job that was created ME in mind. Well, the requirements were about me anyway. If I can't get a job that I meet all the requirements for, what kind of job can I get then? I guess I was destined to be a cleaner. Or unemployed. Live from the handouts the government gives us, poor people. At least I can continue with my Grey's Anatomy marathon. And I can go help Elviira and Mikko move on Friday if they still need me. And go to my appointment on Friday. And hey, Celeste doesn't need to buy me those shoes just yet! If ever...

The list of how much people made last year is out in the open and there was a 2 page story on the local newspaper about the best earners in the area last year. I wasn't included in that...I wonder why? I said to my mom that it must be terrible to be on that list in a small town like this where everybody knows everybody and everybody is jealous of everybody. To have your finances public knowledge like that... people must have lot of new friends.

Since I didn't make the papers on that account, maybe I can make it by going to meet Päivi Räsänen tomorrow. She's gonna be in the new supermarket tomorrow, meeting people, trying to fish for votes...I don't think Forssa is big supporter of the Christian democratic party but who knows? Maybe she can get the homophobes to vote for her party. I don't think any good would come from me meeting her in this state of mind so I am gonna stay home and hope that there's another person in the area ready and willing to fry her. I might just be in the papers on Thursday if our paths crossed!

So there's an election in the states right now...from what I can understand, the Democrats are going to lose some seats. It's a shame that so many people can be persuaded to vote for Republicans by their hate spewing propaganda and that the political memory is so short term. It was republicans who made it possible for the economic recession to take place and people think that it can be reversed in short amount of time. Change for the worse is always quick, change for the better takes time. But who am I to care anymore? They can go all tea party right wing fundamentalist religious on themselves, see if I care? Let's put all the gays back in the closet, or better yet, why not out everybody like they do in Uganda? All the gays on newspaper with their names and pictures. Let's strip them from any basic human rights and convert them back into nice obedient catholics. Who cares if they can get married? Who cares if they can't sponsor their foreign partners? Who cares?

Palin, Palin 2012 for president! Scary...

Daily dose of radiation

Oh, the day that I've been waiting for is finally here. You get poked, pinched, pulled and blown at and you leave with the feeling of guilt. They make you feel so guilty, just like when you were a kid. Although it was great back then, as soon as you left you bragged about it to your friends and competitors... Those who didn't have any, didn't understand. And it was a great way to get out of school. What am I talking about? The dentist, of course!

I made my appointment months ago and today was the lucky day. Public dental care is great, they are my best friends forever! Only bad thing is the waiting time but who cares? It's cheap and great! I do not miss the shark from Brooklyn who took $75-150 PER cavity or $400-600 for a root canal and who left my tooth blue! I may not see the insides of a dentist's office till late next January, but I'll take it when the most you have to pay per cavity is 40 euros! Root canal was about 60 euros and surgical removal of a tooth was about 60-75 euros. (We will not discuss the number of cavities I have or the fact that I may have to have my wisdom tooth taken out).  I was trying to figure out how I'm gonna pay for my loan interests, my other bills, look for an apartment, pay for tickets to NYC to go get my stuff AND pay for all these procedures but I forgot how much less expensive the dental services are here. And besides...I don't have to worry about having that money anytime soon so I can win the lottery in the meantime for all I know! Or get a job...like the one that called today!

Just got off the phone with the ISS people. It's a job that was written about ME, at least as far as the requirements are concerned! She said they got over 200 applications, chose 10 for initial phone interviews, one of which was ME (!!!) and will call tomorrow if I'm in the final 5 they want to interview on Friday! So I might be going to Vantaa on Friday. But like with everything else in my life, let's not celebrate too early. I might just get an e-mail instead...

I won the lottery TWICE last week! Can you believe it? I made a wish list and it came through! Well parts of it anyway. Still waiting on the rest. But who can say they've been this lucky? I do need to specify my wishes though...I want the big main win, not the small ones. But I won't say no to the small ones either.

To go back to the dentist again...Why is it that a grown woman still feels guilty and ashamed after a dentist appointment? I think it's a course they take at school, "How to make your customer feel like crap 101". Seriously.
Dentist: You have a lot of cavities!
Jenni: I know.
D: Do you use dental floss?
J: No, but I use the small between teeth brush.
D: Do you wash with fluoride or use other mouth washes?
J: No.
D: Do you use Xylitol gum after you eat.
J: YES! (I'm doing something right!!!)
D: Well maybe it was time you started to think about what you are doing at home and what you eat and drink...and start doing those preventive measures at home so that you wouldn't have to see us so often.
J: Yeah, I should.

So, off to the store I go to get floss and mouth wash!

Learn from my mistakes people!