Dear Santa

I've survived the first month. It hasn't been easy and I don't expect it to anytime soon but the random crying bursts have subsided for the most part. The hardest part so far has been the distance, the silence. Not being able to talk every day. And letting go of the future. That's hard. Every day there is something to remind me of something I wanted from our future but can't have anymore. The normal things you want with your partner. Your nieces knowing who you are...I look at the pictures of Adriana and get so sad because we will never get to know each other. I see a picture of Carly and get so sad because I will never get to know what she's gonna be like when she grows up. And she'll soon forget all about me. Nenni will just be a distant memory for her. I miss Sox and Bailey and their antics, taking over the bed in the middle of the night, cuddling with them, Sox acting all malnourished and yelling like she's never seen any food. Bailey hiding under pillows or in the litter box during storms...and T. This will get even harder as x-mas comes closer...As stressful as american x-mas can be with the million people you should give gifts to, it was also awesome family celebration. To me and T x-mas meant running around from one branch of her family to another, but nonetheless it was good times. And I will miss our eggnog ritual. And I just got my own stocking last year...unheard of!

I wrote to santa on facebook. Told him I've been a good girl and know that job and money are not something he can give me (seems that nobody can) but I could use a kitty cat or a kitten. I need the company and the love. And therapy. So if I could get a cat for x-mas, I'd be happy. I really want a cat since I lost my step kids. Those 2 were and are the best kitties in the world. So that's all....a kitty or 2. Maybe just 1 for now. Thank You.

My couch has a home

So the quest to find an apartment is almost over. Now I need to make a decision between 2 places. Should I move across the street to a familiar building or should I move to Koulukatu to my first choice apartment? Both have good sides...if I move across the street, I can come over anytime for sauna... the apartment is spacious enough and in good shape. The only thing about it is that it's little bit more money than what I'd like to pay, especially since I still don't have a job and I'm not sure what benefits I will get from Kela and social services.

The apartment in Koulukatu is about 20-30 euros cheaper but I don't know what kind of a shape it's in. The previous tenant died and his kids are still emptying it so I wasn't able to go see it and I might not be able to until sometime next week. What to do Nenni? What to do? The location is ideal, it's right next to the city center, all the stores, services etc... if I get a job from another city I can just take the bus and commute for awhile...it's about 5 minutes from my parents so I can still come over for sauna and if I get the job from FSKK it would be across the street from my office! hehehe... But I haven't heard anything from them so I guess I wasn't chosen. But anyway... What should I do?

Me and Arttu had our semi-monthly/quarterly/whatever brother sister bonding time last night over drinks.  We covered all kinds of topics and ended up discussing religion...and Indiana Jones movies! But the discussions let to Arttu giving up his membership of the lutheran church...when we got home he went to the website and resigned! Awesome! I asked him if he wanted to have a church wedding and he said no so there really isn't any reason to stay on. I just love my brother. He's awesome.

I think I had some other issues I wanted to talk about but can't remember them right now so I guess the only thing left to say is... good luck Tiffany on your IntenSati leader training. Kick ass and enjoy!

Later

oh yeah...Finland plays San Marino at home today in the Euro2012 qualifications...since it's a meeting between 2 teams that have 0 points from these qualifications so far and since Finland has SUCKED ASS the past 3 games...I spent 1 euro on San Marino winning this. If Finland wins, I only lose a euro...If we lose, I'll get my money back 50 times over so I thought this was good low cost bet with high reward return on my money. We obviously want Finland to win but...in case they don't, I can get some money out of it! Now who said I wasn't a patriot? LOL!

Church elections

Aahh, after all the gay talk, Päivi Räsänen and the church versus gays, the church election were held yesterday. Apparently there are some people in my family who were elected. My cousin was the most votes-getting person in Humppila and I am not 100% sure but I think her brother was elected from Forssa.  17,5% of people eligible to vote voted. Shows how important this election was for the Finns. Less than 20% of the little less than 5 million people who could have voted, actually showed up and voted. But hey, it was up from the 14% it was last time so it was a success. And as the candidates and the church announced, only by being a member and voting you can make a difference in the church! Right. About 15% of the Finns care about what happens in the church... Over 80% of Finns are members but only 17,5 of them cared enough to vote. I find it very interesting.

btw, my cousin got 40 votes. The 40 votes she had were the most in her town. 40 votes. Interesting. SUPER important election. SUPER.

It'll all work itself out

As I was walking to the grocery store today I was thinking that is there a fixed amount of "it'll work itself out" per person? If for a long time things just fell into place and then all of a sudden they don't anymore and no matter what you do you don't seem to get a break, is it because you ran out of "it'll all work itself out"?

After high school I wanted to go to law school but didn't have the time, discipline or will power to study for the entrance exams so I followed my best friend to Hämeenlinna and went to a business school for a year. The plan was to go to school for a year and study for the entrance exams. Uh huh. After the year was over I knew I didn't want to continue the second year so I moved to Helsinki, cleaned for the summer and found a place in Wales to go work as an Au Pair. That gig was for 5 months after which the family moved back to Finland and I was left to look for another gig. I found one in England and worked there till the end of July when I came back to Finland to start my studies in Tampere.

When I was studying in Tampere, we had to have 1 year of practical training which basically meant we had to work through our summers and then in our 3rd year we had 6 months to work as well. The first 2 summers I was able to go back to Wales and volunteer for an environmental conservation groups. For the final 6 months I went to work for our local waste management company. I've never been an environmentally conscious person and the reason why I studied to become environmental engineer was because I wanted to study in English and that was the only other subject matter taught in english beside business and nursing...so when it was time for me to decide on what my final thesis would be about, I went back to the waste management company to see if they could help me with ideas or projects. And they could. I started working for them in January of 2005, 5 months before graduation doing my thesis and other work they needed me to do. I stayed there after graduation, the environmental engineer gets pregnant, they need someone to cover for her...I meet Tiffany, we fall in love, I want to move to USA, I save money, I find a school, move there and the rest is history. I didn't work during my first year there but was able to find a job through Domenica who had been coordinating the entertainment and happenings for the international students...only for my boss to leave and Domenica to take over for her. It all worked itself out until graduation. After that I wasn't eligible to work for the school anymore, my money was gone, we couldn't pay the rent for our B-ville apartment and we had to move to Brooklyn which Tiffany just hated. I wasn't able to find a job, my visa ran out, I had to leave the country and we broke up.

Is my bad fortune now pay back for the good fortune I had before? Is my quota of it'll work itself out gone? Will it go back to zero for the next decade? Should I just wait the 2010 out and start fresh next year? Will I start with a good fortune and go back to bad towards the end of the next decade? Or will it start with bad and turn around at some point?

Or is it maybe that if something doesn't work itself out, it's because it wasn't meant to be? I've been broke for a year and a half...does this mean I really don't need money? My job situation always kinda fell into place...does this year and a half without one mean that I'm not meant to have one? Maybe I'm just meant to be unemployed and instead of bitching and moaning about it I should embrace it? Take it easy, let loose, enjoy my life and not worry so much? Qe sera, sera, whatever will be, will be...

The apartment situation seems to be working itself out....well, I do need to do some work to get it but there seem to be places available... so why is the job so difficult? But not to worry, 2010 is almost over and next year and decade will be mine. I thought this one was too until October 21 hit. But hey, it'll all work itself out.

And the cycle might be completed

In my search for a place to live in I went to see couple of apartments today. The first one was a studio, 29m2... only 3 m2 smaller than the one I lived in before moving to USA but seemed like a closet. I know I don't have a lot of money and am not really in a position to complain or be choosy but that was way too small.

Earlier this week I e-mailed the landlord of the row homes across the street from my parents house. She said they don't have any studios but they do have 1 bedroom apartments and that we could discuss my situation today when she has office hours in the building, so off to meet her I went. She showed me 3 different places and we agreed that I'd take one of them if I don't hear back from the city by next week. The apartment I would move into is next to the apartment where we lived when I was born! We (me and my mom) thought it was the same one but now that I think about the layout I don't think it's the same after all. But, if I move in there, it would be the 5th place on this same street that I've live in! Can't seem to get away from this street! Other than this street, I've lived on 2 different places in Forssa. I've also lived in 2 places in Tampere, 1 in Hämeenlinna, 1 in Helsinki, 5 places in around UK and 4 places in USA... If home is where the heart is, I wonder where my home is now then?

So, to conclude my almost exciting post, keep your fingers crossed for good news next week!

Not helping

Why is it that when people break up their friends and family and acquaintances feel the need to offer opinions and advices that are really not helping? If you say your heart is broken they will say it'll pass before you know it. Not helping. If you say you just broke up they say good riddance. Not helping. They ask you after 2 weeks if you're still heart broken about it? Seriously? If you say your trying to get used to the idea of not being together they say go get yourself a 19 year old and enjoy. Are you kidding me? For the past 5 years she has been a major part of my life and that doesn't just go away. People telling me or her that we are better off without each other is not helping. There is a lot of mourning in front of us and people belittling our relationship is NOT helping. Little space, time and respect would be nice. I do not need a new relationship or one night stand or whatever to get better and get over it. I do not need people telling me that it'll be ok and I'll be better for it. What I need is a job a year ago, a green card and a house by the beach but that didn't happen so now I'm playing with the cards I was dealt with. Unfortunately that means no Tiffany. I'll deal with it on my own on my own time. When I'm over it I'll let you know. In the meantime, I'd appreciate no stupid advice or questions, thank you.

I miss you

Until I was 25 I didn’t know who I was. Then I hear music and I see a picture  on TV and all of a sudden I know who I am. I know what was different about me and everything makes sense. I meet a girl and my life makes sense. I fall in love and it all makes sense. I know who I am. The love songs make sense even though they are about a boy and a girl. The love stories make sense even though they are about a boy and a girl. Everything around me makes sense even though they’re about a boy and a girl. My story is not about a boy and a girl but I can understand their feelings, their love, and their excitement.

Tiffany is the most amazing person you’ll ever meet. She has a kind, big heart and she takes care of people. She seems tough and she doesn’t let people in easily and she doesn’t let people know that she has a soft side but deep down she has the biggest heart I’ve ever known and she is and will help a lot of people.

She has a larger than life personality. One thing I’ve always admired about her is the way she attracts people. I’m nothing like her, I’m a wallflower but she has a way about her that attracts people. When ever she enters a room people flock towards her. She is funny and kind and she’s someone that you just wanna be around. She has a way of making you feel like you’re the most important person in her life, and for a couple of years I had the honor of being that person. The most important person in her life. My life was better with her in it. My life was bright and shiny and fun. She has a way of making everything and anything fun. She could make the most mundane story to sound like the most exciting thing on earth. I couldn’t wait to get her home after work so I could hear all about her day. And I wasn’t and am not the only one. Whenever there was a family function people were going to her to tell their problems and to listen to her tell her stories and get advice. Same with her friends. Everybody just flock to her…she has a way about her that cannot be explained. And for a short period of time I was somebody. I was with her…I was the girl she was with so I must have been somebody too. I was worth her love so I must have been somebody.

My world is silent and dark and humorless now. There are no more stories. There’s no more joy. There are no more funny stories how she fell asleep on the subway on some tall Chinese man’s shoulder.  There are no more updates on how her family is. There are no more stories on how our cats are. There are no more stories on how Carly and Adriana are doing. There are no more stories on what she wants from her life. There are no more jokes. It’s all dark.

I don’t know how to communicate. I blew it and I can’t fix it even though I want it so bad. I want my girlfriend back. I want my best friend back. I want my soul mate back. I want the love of my life back. I know I can’t have it but that’s what I want.

I made her the center of my universe and I always knew that’s not what you are supposed to do. You’re supposed to have your own life outside your relationship so that you can co-exist in your relationship but also need your own life and own interests for yourself. I let my friendships die or I didn’t nurture them when I moved to USA. I let my Finnish friends go because I made Tiffany the center of my universe and now I am paying the price for it. I have few amazing friends who are doing their very best to make me feel better but they have their own lives and I can’t butt in or expect them to drop everything for me. For 5 years Tiffany was my best friend, my partner, my better half and she got me. She got my sense of humor which is not easy to do. I’m sarcastic, I’m not PC and I can have pretty harsh sense of humor but she got it. She might not always agree with me 100% but she got me. She got my sense of humor and she got my point of view even if she didn’t agree with me. Now there’s no more laughter, there’s no more joy. There’s no sense of humor. There’s no fun. I miss her so bad. There’s nobody else in this world that’s like her and I’m afraid I will never meet another person who got me like she did.  Who made me laugh so hard. You can never underestimate the power of laughter and the power of people getting your sense of humor. You cannot underestimate the power of having fun together.

I’m limited in what I can do and I wish I wasn’t aware of it. I wish I was one of those people who didn’t realized there are things they could have done but didn’t. And now it’s too late. I lost my partner, I lost my best friend and I lost my soul mate. My world is cold and dark and there’s no more laughter.  I don’t know what the future has in store for me but I hope it’s not this painful.