Adulthood

I think I'm in the middle of that 30's crisis, kolmenkympin kriisi as we say in Finland. I woke up one day, I was 30, that dreaded 30, and I was living in my mom's living room. No job, no money, girlfriend and kitties at the other side of the bond...how did this happen?

I remember when I was in first grade and I used to walk across the town after school to go play with Riina. We had been best friends since we were 2 and played together every day in kindergarden. But we lived at the opposite ends of the town so we went to different schools. After school I would walk to her home and we'd play till it was dark and Ybi would take me home or my mom would come pick me up. I doubt kids do that anymore...walk across town to play with friends. Times have changed and people have gone meaner, crazier, madder. It's not safe like that anymore.

I lived through a fairytale. My mom married the dad of my best friend and we became sisters, or step sisters. Isn't that everybody's dream when they are kids? To have your best friend become your sister? Well, like most fairytales, that became a nightmare. She became...not my best friend to the point where I don't necessarily wanna have anything to do with her anymore. I don't have energy for that drama.

I remember as a kid being care free, coming home from school, playing outside with my friends till it got dark outside, doing home work, going to bed and doing the same thing all over a gain the next day...and the next. When did that care freeness stop? As a teenager you wanna turn 18 so that you can go to bars, buy alcohol and "grow up". At 19, when you graduate from high school, you just wanna go to school, get your own place and be independent. You figure you'll graduate, get a job, meet someone, get a house, settle down, start a family.

I spoke with a dear old friend, Iita, yesterday. She helped me through some pretty rough times 6 years ago. We've lost contact during the past 3 years, mostly due to distance, but probably because of general laziness too. That's my reason anyway. We were catching up and talking about our lives...She asked a valid question...When does the real adulthood start? The one where we have great jobs, great partners, great kids and everything is just honky dory? She's still in school but thought that she'd be graduated by now. I'm out of job trying to figure out where to go next...

Are we ever gonna have that one true moment of total bliss where everything is just the way we want to? Or is that an illusion? Are we ever truly be able to appreciate what we have right there and then, in that moment, or will we always have something that we aspire to achieve, gain, reach? I know I cannot go back in time and whatever happens in the future is going to be different and hopefully even better but was I ever truly appreciative of the time I was able to spent with Tiffany or will I always think of it as something that was taken away from me? This time apart will hopefully make us stronger as individuals and as a couple, but right now it does seem like a cruel joke to me. I guess life's cruel jokes are a part of adulthood. So welcome to adulthood Jenni? You'll be stronger for it?