Dear Diary,

Finally after weeks of staring at my diaries, I put them away 2 days ago. The bag also contained a lot of correspondence between me and my besties at the time. School was always easy enough for me and the teachers clueless enough so that we were constantly passing on notes to each other. Me and my bff at the time even had a little note book that we wrote in. I didn't thoroughly go through any of them but just enough to jog my memory. Good time were had by oh so many...

I had 5 diaries that span the time from May 21st, 1994 to December 29th 1996 which means from end of 7th grade to end of first semester of freshman year in high school. I briefly looked at them, but here are some things that stood out.

I was a sports NUT.
You think I'm sports nut now but no, this was an obsession. Basically any sport you threw my way, I knew anything and everything about it, players, stats, champions... which is why had my 15-year-old-self been sitting next to that ice hockey player from HIFK on my home from USA this spring, she would have known his name, number, DOB, marital status, stats from every pro year, original team, has he played for Finnish national team on any level and who his line mates are and their info as well. But this 2011 version of me is not that crazy anymore. Other things occupy my mind these days. And one team that had my full attention was one of the local women's basketball teams...

Careful what you wish for.
My step sister had started to act out. She was not easy to get along with and she was stealing, lying and smoking her way through middle school. Do not hope for your best friend to become your sister. Do. Not.

Transference.
My bff had an older boyfriend. That's ALL she talked about. I felt like I was left behind. I was jealous. Ring any bells? So I went and got a crush on this older boy as well. Just because I could. Totally unrequited and totally make belief but I didn't wanna be different and I didn't wanna be outsider so that's what I did. To this day though I do remember him fondly but everything else in my diaries are making it very clear that this was just because I couldn't get the person I wanted.

First crush.
Oh my...to this day seeing her will make my heart skip a beat. She was older than me and even if she was a lesbian it would NEVER have worked out but for many years I was totally crushing on her. She was beautiful, blonde and great at what she did and every week like a love sick puppy I went to watch her play. I didn't realize it at the time, or maybe I did, but she was mentioned a LOT in my diaries. And I believe since I couldn't have her I transferred those feelings to the guy because it was just as impossible of a situation.

Jealousy.
There is a definite proof in my diaries that my jealousy was an issue in middle school. My bff gets a boyfriend, I get left behind and I get jealous. Start passive aggressively act out. Story of my life, it seems.



Self awareness.
I was aware of my actions to a certain degree and I was aware of my feelings as well, and knew what I was doing but the reason behind my behavior and my feelings, me liking girls, had not entered my orbit yet.


Denial.

Denial.

Denial.

One of these days I will sit down and read them through but today is not that day. When I do, I will share some entries of I feel like they might be of any interest.