Reflections

Well, we are headed to the last hours of my 31st year on this earth. I think it's time to reflect on the last year and maybe how to move forward. It has definitely NOT been the best year of my life, but at the same time it has taught me a lot about myself, life, love, relationships...

A year ago I was celebrating my birthday week. T was here and we were going on a cruise to Sweden. I wanted to show her what all was possible to do, not only in Finland but in Scandinavia and in Europe. How there were possibilities after possibilities within reach and how we could go see all the countries we wanted to, just few short hours away. Boy did I fail! LOL! That was the beginning of the end.

At the end of September she wrote on her blog saying she couldn't move to Finland. Moving outside USA was not an option for her. I was devastated and she asked my opinion on her blog post. What do you say to a post that basically crashes all of your dreams of ever being together? I could not find a job from USA and she was not willing to move to be with me. Tick tock...

Then she asked for time and space. Sure, take all the time you need...how much more space can I give you when we had the Atlantic Ocean between us? She had started to appreciate her own time, her own space without having to share it with anyone. 3..2...1...

Our 4 and half years together came and went and she told me I shouldn't expect to hear from her. She was visiting a friend and was 10 time zones away. Out of reach, at least from me. I was always the one who remembered anniversaries, no matter how small or insignificant to others. This was my first love, my first relationship, and every day together was a gift. For me, 4 and half years together was a big deal. I had a lump in my throat all the time. It was just a matter of time...and Boom!

Phone call at 5:30am. I can't do this anymore. That was it. Nothing I could do or say to change it. It was done.

I think I cried for the next 2 months. Non stop. Any and every little thing would just start the waterworks. My iPod was constant loop of love songs, songs that had any meaning in our relationship. Everything was against me. Every little thing reminded me of her. Everything always came back to her. I couldn't escape so I cried. It's a miracle I didn't suffer from dehydration, the amount I cried could have filled an ocean.

The folks were bickering and fighting a lot and in my state I couldn't take it anymore. I started thinking about my own apartment. I had to get away, I had to get my own place and get some privacy and peace. I had to be able to grieve in peace.

I moved to my own place in December. I just sat and grieved and cried and willed the hurt to go away. I didn't celebrate x-mas...nothing to celebrate. She was supposed to come to Finland to celebrate x-mas. Obviously that was not happening. What was there to celebrate?

2011 came. I had some job interviews in Forssa. Nothing took though. I was offered a short project type job in Hämeenlinna, which I took. I had started to think about my future and realized I needed to find my community in Finland. I had no need for one when I came out because I had T and she consumed all my time, but once she was not in my life anymore, I had to start somewhere. I was so angry and felt betrayed by her and by US government and their discriminating marriage and immigration laws that I had to find a way to get into the LGBT community and advocate for my rights.

I found out that SETA was training people to advocate for gay rights in Finland, for people going to schools and camps etc to talk about LGBT issues and rights. As scared as I am of public speaking I figured this was a great place to start. I'd meet other gays and lesbians, maybe make few friends and find purpose. And I did. It was probably the best decision I've done for myself, something that I've done JUST for myself in a really long time. I found Minna that way, and by proxy Heidi and Ella as well.

I was able to go get some of my stuff from NY in May. I still have some stuff there, how much I'm not sure. I'm not even sure where they are or if reality I have anything there. I have not been told if my stuff is somewhere safe or if it was tossed in the trash but I got the most important things I wanted. And in the end, it's just stuff. Stuff can be replaced. Memories I will still always have.

In June I had this urge to move on. To put myself out there, to experience, to make new friends, to live a little. I contacted my new friends from SETA and asked them if I could tag along or join them at Helsinki Pride...party with them at the women's party. Everybody was so gracious, so friendly and so accepting. YES, of course you can join us. So I did. And I marched in my first Pride Parade. I participated in my first Pride Picnic. And I made new friends. And I felt like I belonged.

Few weeks after that I went to Tampere Pride. More fun. More marching. And seeing Susanna after all these years. Making mends. Renewing friendships.


After this year I've learned so much. I've experienced the lowest of lows and some highs. I've learned things about myself I'm not proud of, things I wish I could change  and things I hope I will change in the future. I have some regrets, biggest of all obviously T and our failed relationship. It's a long road to recovery but time will heal. It cannot be hurried, it will happen when it's ready. All I can do is to hope I've learned something and when I'm lucky enough to experience love again, I won't make those mistakes again. Now it's time to put the gear in motion, make the changes I want to happen. And believe you me, I know what I want. How I will achieve it...You'll see. Expect a great 32nd year with 2012 coming with a BANG! You have not heard the last from me. The 31 year old Jenni will be stronger than the 30 year old me.

So...good bye 31st year...Welcome future! And to honor the future and to put the past behind... "No more sad songs" by Kyler England.