It's happening. Can't help it. On Saturday I'll be once again a year older. Well, 5 days older than what I'm now. Thirty One. 31. Three and one. I'm not sure how I feel about my age starting with a three yet so... I don't know...I don't feel like I'm (going to be) 31. Don't feel like I'm in my thirties. Don't feel grown up. 30 Was not my year. No sir-rey. Nope. I said 2011 will be my year. So far not so much. But we have few months left. But I've come up with a long term plan. It might just be totally crazy and it might not ever materialize, but I am going to work towards it. Human rights. Civil rights. What I wanted when I was in my teens. It's taken me over a decade to come a full circle and really see what it is that I want to do with my life, to come back to this place. To see. But I do see. I do want. I need. To make a difference. I might hurt some people. I might offend some people. I might get hurt myself. But I need to do this.
Purpose.
Monday, August 29, 2011
Am I crazy?
I really like Justin Bieber's song "Baby". Of course I'm listening to the Glee version as I do NOT have any Biebs on iTunes but that song has been growing on me slowly but surely. I must be delirious!
Must be, since it's 3:30 in the morning.
Must be, since it's 3:30 in the morning.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Things you learn/notice on a evening stroll
I got on a scale few days ago and got the proof first hand that my life preserver in my mid section has in deed gotten bigger. I've only gained +/- 2kg as weight and my pants still fit fine but I'm getting softer, if you know what I mean. Maybe as a result of that I've taken on a new hobby; evening stroll. It also is a useful tool to run some errands. Anyway...I'm now at a weight where I can actually donate blood so it's not like I'm heavy or anything...
So, yesterday I went to take a walk. I was so pissed off that I just had to go outside and take it out on something, so what better than to put on some great motivating music and go pound the pavement. On my walk I had to pass this older couple, maybe in their late 60's or early 70's who were holding hands. It was so cute! I was like "I want that when I'm old" (sooner wouldn't hurt either), to still be in love with someone when your old and grey and smelly enough to want to show that to the world.
Then today I found and ally in the city center that I've never seen before in my life! And mind you, I've lived in this city 24 years of my life so you'd think I'd seen it before. And what's more bizarre, it's about 100 meters from my apartment. Next to the kindergarden I went to when I was a kid. Crazy! And as I came home from said evening stroll, my Facebook newsfeed was full of EARTHQUAKE! Apparently there was an earthquake on the east coast of US of A and everybody is talking about it. Brent Celek, the Tight End for Philadelphia Eagles said on twitter that he dropped a dumbbell...he apologized for it though. But damn, it was felt all the way from DC to NY. That's a lot of land to cover. Mother Earth is pissed!
Speaking of Facebook...it has this new annoying feature that announces your status update from a year ago if you made one. A year ago I was looking forward to my birthday and the ex to arrive to celebrate it with me so I had a countdown. So every day now when I go on to Facebook on the upper right hand side corner I see a number flashing. Annoying, to say the least!
I woke up this morning from a dream that was a little disturbing. In my dream I was in my bed when the front door opened and the landlord came in announcing that the TV license inspector was on his way and I should be prepared. When he leaves, I get out of bed, go to my living room to remove the TV that I don't own, and hide it in the walk-in closet. I get that done but before I'm able to move the digibox or playstation or even dust the TV table, the front door opens again and my landlord and the inspector walk in. I'm trying to explain that I don't own a TV and that the PS and digibox are not really mine but it doesn't fly. And as I really don't have ~500 euros for TV license fees and the interest that not paying it have incurred, I'm in deep shit. But then the Inspector says "How about you pay for 2 weeks and then cancel?" Like he sees this every day and knows how little money people have and just can't come up with the money for it. And I'm like Awww, that's so nice.
Till next time!
So, yesterday I went to take a walk. I was so pissed off that I just had to go outside and take it out on something, so what better than to put on some great motivating music and go pound the pavement. On my walk I had to pass this older couple, maybe in their late 60's or early 70's who were holding hands. It was so cute! I was like "I want that when I'm old" (sooner wouldn't hurt either), to still be in love with someone when your old and grey and smelly enough to want to show that to the world.
Then today I found and ally in the city center that I've never seen before in my life! And mind you, I've lived in this city 24 years of my life so you'd think I'd seen it before. And what's more bizarre, it's about 100 meters from my apartment. Next to the kindergarden I went to when I was a kid. Crazy! And as I came home from said evening stroll, my Facebook newsfeed was full of EARTHQUAKE! Apparently there was an earthquake on the east coast of US of A and everybody is talking about it. Brent Celek, the Tight End for Philadelphia Eagles said on twitter that he dropped a dumbbell...he apologized for it though. But damn, it was felt all the way from DC to NY. That's a lot of land to cover. Mother Earth is pissed!
Speaking of Facebook...it has this new annoying feature that announces your status update from a year ago if you made one. A year ago I was looking forward to my birthday and the ex to arrive to celebrate it with me so I had a countdown. So every day now when I go on to Facebook on the upper right hand side corner I see a number flashing. Annoying, to say the least!
I woke up this morning from a dream that was a little disturbing. In my dream I was in my bed when the front door opened and the landlord came in announcing that the TV license inspector was on his way and I should be prepared. When he leaves, I get out of bed, go to my living room to remove the TV that I don't own, and hide it in the walk-in closet. I get that done but before I'm able to move the digibox or playstation or even dust the TV table, the front door opens again and my landlord and the inspector walk in. I'm trying to explain that I don't own a TV and that the PS and digibox are not really mine but it doesn't fly. And as I really don't have ~500 euros for TV license fees and the interest that not paying it have incurred, I'm in deep shit. But then the Inspector says "How about you pay for 2 weeks and then cancel?" Like he sees this every day and knows how little money people have and just can't come up with the money for it. And I'm like Awww, that's so nice.
Till next time!
Monday, August 22, 2011
Let's play "Career Counselor"
EVERYBODY who reads this post NEEDS to participate. It's mandatory!
So I've obviously invested a lot of time and money on my environmental education (Bachelor of Science in Environmental Engineering and Master of Arts in Environmental Management) without much success in finding a job in the field. So far I have been rejected by both USA and Finland so maybe it's time to look outside the box. Am I not suitable for the environmental field? Am I suitable for office work? And if not, what would it be? I'm pretty sure my gigantic height and bad back rule out heavy manual labor. So if the environmental field and manual labor is out of the picture, what could/should I do?
Now if I could do whatever I wanted all day long and money was not an issue, here's 3 things I'd LOVE to be included in my job description:
reading fan fic
cats
advocating for gay rights
So...what's my job title?
I'm pretty sure I have a future as a cat lady and if you combine my passion for cats and gays (well mostly lesbians), that would mean that I should be working with gay cats? Am I right?
Anyways...suggestions in comments, please!
So I've obviously invested a lot of time and money on my environmental education (Bachelor of Science in Environmental Engineering and Master of Arts in Environmental Management) without much success in finding a job in the field. So far I have been rejected by both USA and Finland so maybe it's time to look outside the box. Am I not suitable for the environmental field? Am I suitable for office work? And if not, what would it be? I'm pretty sure my gigantic height and bad back rule out heavy manual labor. So if the environmental field and manual labor is out of the picture, what could/should I do?
Now if I could do whatever I wanted all day long and money was not an issue, here's 3 things I'd LOVE to be included in my job description:
reading fan fic
cats
advocating for gay rights
So...what's my job title?
I'm pretty sure I have a future as a cat lady and if you combine my passion for cats and gays (well mostly lesbians), that would mean that I should be working with gay cats? Am I right?
Anyways...suggestions in comments, please!
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Dear Diary,
Finally after weeks of staring at my diaries, I put them away 2 days ago. The bag also contained a lot of correspondence between me and my besties at the time. School was always easy enough for me and the teachers clueless enough so that we were constantly passing on notes to each other. Me and my bff at the time even had a little note book that we wrote in. I didn't thoroughly go through any of them but just enough to jog my memory. Good time were had by oh so many...
I had 5 diaries that span the time from May 21st, 1994 to December 29th 1996 which means from end of 7th grade to end of first semester of freshman year in high school. I briefly looked at them, but here are some things that stood out.
I was a sports NUT.
You think I'm sports nut now but no, this was an obsession. Basically any sport you threw my way, I knew anything and everything about it, players, stats, champions... which is why had my 15-year-old-self been sitting next to that ice hockey player from HIFK on my home from USA this spring, she would have known his name, number, DOB, marital status, stats from every pro year, original team, has he played for Finnish national team on any level and who his line mates are and their info as well. But this 2011 version of me is not that crazy anymore. Other things occupy my mind these days. And one team that had my full attention was one of the local women's basketball teams...
Careful what you wish for.
My step sister had started to act out. She was not easy to get along with and she was stealing, lying and smoking her way through middle school. Do not hope for your best friend to become your sister. Do. Not.
Transference.
My bff had an older boyfriend. That's ALL she talked about. I felt like I was left behind. I was jealous. Ring any bells? So I went and got a crush on this older boy as well. Just because I could. Totally unrequited and totally make belief but I didn't wanna be different and I didn't wanna be outsider so that's what I did. To this day though I do remember him fondly but everything else in my diaries are making it very clear that this was just because I couldn't get the person I wanted.
First crush.
Oh my...to this day seeing her will make my heart skip a beat. She was older than me and even if she was a lesbian it would NEVER have worked out but for many years I was totally crushing on her. She was beautiful, blonde and great at what she did and every week like a love sick puppy I went to watch her play. I didn't realize it at the time, or maybe I did, but she was mentioned a LOT in my diaries. And I believe since I couldn't have her I transferred those feelings to the guy because it was just as impossible of a situation.
Jealousy.
There is a definite proof in my diaries that my jealousy was an issue in middle school. My bff gets a boyfriend, I get left behind and I get jealous. Start passive aggressively act out. Story of my life, it seems.
Self awareness.
I was aware of my actions to a certain degree and I was aware of my feelings as well, and knew what I was doing but the reason behind my behavior and my feelings, me liking girls, had not entered my orbit yet.
Denial.
I had 5 diaries that span the time from May 21st, 1994 to December 29th 1996 which means from end of 7th grade to end of first semester of freshman year in high school. I briefly looked at them, but here are some things that stood out.
I was a sports NUT.
You think I'm sports nut now but no, this was an obsession. Basically any sport you threw my way, I knew anything and everything about it, players, stats, champions... which is why had my 15-year-old-self been sitting next to that ice hockey player from HIFK on my home from USA this spring, she would have known his name, number, DOB, marital status, stats from every pro year, original team, has he played for Finnish national team on any level and who his line mates are and their info as well. But this 2011 version of me is not that crazy anymore. Other things occupy my mind these days. And one team that had my full attention was one of the local women's basketball teams...
Careful what you wish for.
My step sister had started to act out. She was not easy to get along with and she was stealing, lying and smoking her way through middle school. Do not hope for your best friend to become your sister. Do. Not.
Transference.
My bff had an older boyfriend. That's ALL she talked about. I felt like I was left behind. I was jealous. Ring any bells? So I went and got a crush on this older boy as well. Just because I could. Totally unrequited and totally make belief but I didn't wanna be different and I didn't wanna be outsider so that's what I did. To this day though I do remember him fondly but everything else in my diaries are making it very clear that this was just because I couldn't get the person I wanted.
First crush.
Oh my...to this day seeing her will make my heart skip a beat. She was older than me and even if she was a lesbian it would NEVER have worked out but for many years I was totally crushing on her. She was beautiful, blonde and great at what she did and every week like a love sick puppy I went to watch her play. I didn't realize it at the time, or maybe I did, but she was mentioned a LOT in my diaries. And I believe since I couldn't have her I transferred those feelings to the guy because it was just as impossible of a situation.
Jealousy.
There is a definite proof in my diaries that my jealousy was an issue in middle school. My bff gets a boyfriend, I get left behind and I get jealous. Start passive aggressively act out. Story of my life, it seems.
Self awareness.
I was aware of my actions to a certain degree and I was aware of my feelings as well, and knew what I was doing but the reason behind my behavior and my feelings, me liking girls, had not entered my orbit yet.
Denial.
Denial.
Denial.
One of these days I will sit down and read them through but today is not that day. When I do, I will share some entries of I feel like they might be of any interest.
Monday, August 15, 2011
Song of the day
It seems that me dying was maybe declared just a little bit too soon. So unfortunately for the world, I'm still here. Still breathing. And very much alive. The emergency root canal performed yesterday might have just saved my life as I'm only in minor pain anymore. But still medicated. No hospice care needed just yet.
I made a kick ass vegetarian lasagna yesterday, because really, what else are you gonna do in your death bed than cook something delish? And I ate maybe 1/3rd of it yesterday. And lemme tell ya, who ever invented cheese is my new god. Or my only god. I'm not replacing any gods because I don't belief in them but really, that person was at least a genius, even if it was an accident. And since this seems to be a food blog anyway, talking about cheeses and my lasagna seems appropriate anyway.
And speaking of...how come I can go days and days without really eating a hot meal, even weeks maybe, and then all of a sudden when I'm dying and cannot chew to save my life, I'm hungry like I haven't seen food in months and just CRAVE something hot? When it's been super hot I haven't bothered cooking because when the inside of your apartment is 30 degrees C and outside even hotter, the last thing you want to do is put the oven or or even the hot plates to cook something hot but as soon as the temps plummet, all you wanna do is have a hot meal. Weird.
Anyway...song of the day, Demons by Bryan McFadden. Came on in my shuffle through this morning.
One of these days I'll tell you about Cher...
I made a kick ass vegetarian lasagna yesterday, because really, what else are you gonna do in your death bed than cook something delish? And I ate maybe 1/3rd of it yesterday. And lemme tell ya, who ever invented cheese is my new god. Or my only god. I'm not replacing any gods because I don't belief in them but really, that person was at least a genius, even if it was an accident. And since this seems to be a food blog anyway, talking about cheeses and my lasagna seems appropriate anyway.
And speaking of...how come I can go days and days without really eating a hot meal, even weeks maybe, and then all of a sudden when I'm dying and cannot chew to save my life, I'm hungry like I haven't seen food in months and just CRAVE something hot? When it's been super hot I haven't bothered cooking because when the inside of your apartment is 30 degrees C and outside even hotter, the last thing you want to do is put the oven or or even the hot plates to cook something hot but as soon as the temps plummet, all you wanna do is have a hot meal. Weird.
Anyway...song of the day, Demons by Bryan McFadden. Came on in my shuffle through this morning.
One of these days I'll tell you about Cher...
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Excitement for Sunday morning
If you are bored with your regular Sunday mornings, sleeping late, lazy breakfast, reading the Sunday paper and are looking for something new and exciting to try, here is my suggestion: Root canal without local anesthesia and/or pain killers! It is definitely out of the ordinary and it gets your heart pumping!
I went back to the hospital this morning because the tooth wasn't getting any better, in fact it was worse. I've never really been much of a follower when it comes to pain killer recommendations as far as amount is concerned but I gotta say after consuming 4000mg of burana (10x400mg) in 24 hours without long term pain reducing effects when the recommended amount is 1200mg I thought I didn't wanna end up having my stomach pumped or in the poison ward of a hospital if I kept it up for a week till my appointment to see the "real" dentist is...so I went back. And they decided to do an emergency root canal. No pain killers, no local anesthesia...let's just go in there and drill the SOB. It had also been few hours since my last self-medication so that was wearing off as well. It was just good times all around. I think this was my time crying at the dentist. As I said...I recommend!
Then I was given a cocktail of pain meds. The assistant told me that sometimes 2 affecting agents work better together and that I should go get both of them. She didn't say how many times a day I should do it so this should be fun if the pain doesn't go away soon. Now I'm waiting for the pharmacy to open. Oh yeah...I might have to go back if the pain doesn't go away and the tooth doesn't settle in few days. It's gonna be a fun week!
I went back to the hospital this morning because the tooth wasn't getting any better, in fact it was worse. I've never really been much of a follower when it comes to pain killer recommendations as far as amount is concerned but I gotta say after consuming 4000mg of burana (10x400mg) in 24 hours without long term pain reducing effects when the recommended amount is 1200mg I thought I didn't wanna end up having my stomach pumped or in the poison ward of a hospital if I kept it up for a week till my appointment to see the "real" dentist is...so I went back. And they decided to do an emergency root canal. No pain killers, no local anesthesia...let's just go in there and drill the SOB. It had also been few hours since my last self-medication so that was wearing off as well. It was just good times all around. I think this was my time crying at the dentist. As I said...I recommend!
Then I was given a cocktail of pain meds. The assistant told me that sometimes 2 affecting agents work better together and that I should go get both of them. She didn't say how many times a day I should do it so this should be fun if the pain doesn't go away soon. Now I'm waiting for the pharmacy to open. Oh yeah...I might have to go back if the pain doesn't go away and the tooth doesn't settle in few days. It's gonna be a fun week!
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