TiTi misses you

I’ve had some time to process now and I feel like I’m ready to write about it. I had few (too many) beers on Saturday, talked to a friend and was able to kinda let it outta my chest. The whole trip was full of emotions and didn’t necessarily fill the need I had for closure. I saw Tiffany for what was most probably the last time ever and it was lovely. And by lovely I mean most unsatisfying in a sense that we didn’t really talk about anything important and I wasn’t really able to say the things I wanted to say or talk about the things I wanted to talk about. It was just like before except we weren’t together anymore.

I’d sent her a list of things I wanted from Brooklyn and from the storage few months back so what I wanted and didn’t want was laid on a list. I got to Montclair late on Wednesday night so I didn’t have time to go over my things that night. On Thursday morning I carried the 700 boxes and bags to the 3rd floor and started unpacking. I was excited to get my stuff and especially to be reunited with my clothes. But as I was unpacking I got really mad. And disappointed. I felt like everything I had ever given her was in those boxes. Books about Finland…my home town…dishes I bought for HER. Things that I wanted HER to have. I felt like I was being DUMPED all over again. Buh bye…so long. Don’t want you in my life anymore. It was good Antonia was there because I was able to get some of that frustration out of my system. Had Tiffany been there I probably would have bunched her in the face. Or slapped her. I felt so unbelievably hurt, frustrated and disrespected.

So I came up with this idea to retaliate. I was gonna give her back the Eagles jersey she gave me way back when, 5 years ago for x-mas. It was a jersey that she’d had for years that she gave me because she wanted me to have an Eagles jersey.  Couldn’t really do it in the same scale she did, as in ton of boxes, so I was just gonna give her that one jersey along with the things that were actually hers that I brought from Finland that she gave me to bring with me so that I had something of hers here. But in the end I didn’t do it. I didn’t even take the jersey with me to NYC but it took the wind out of me.

After I saw T I saw her cousin Celeste. She’s the one person from her family who has stayed in touch, who sent me a message minutes after she heard T had left me to see if I was ok and who’s been “Switzerland” in this situation despite the fact that T’s family and I’m not. I had few beers, we sat outside since it was nice day out and I was able to tell her everything I couldn’t with T. I was able to tell her about my disappointment with the family and how no one was talking to me. One thing that has sucked with all of this is that being inside my head, the intelligent discussion is very one sided and there’s no other point of view than mine. So my reasoning comes from the place of being hurt and heart broken. There’s no one to reason with me or offer possible solutions/reasons. I was able to get that from Celeste and maybe I’m able to make my peace with it. When T left me she told me I should write to her family, the close ones, and to explain and to say that I wanted to stay in touch (if I did) and kinda say my peace. Of the 1 cousin and 2 sister in laws one replied with something like “It’s been crazy good times, let’s stay in touch” and never did. So I cleaned my FB friend list on New years and deleted one sis in law and the cousin. Didn’t need the headache or hurt from them when I was feeling it all by myself. And the other sis in law… is Carly’s mom. And she’s not punctual or reply messages or write e-mails or do anything when she’s supposed to so it wasn’t out of character from her. And she’s Carly’s mom. Since T’s not on my FB page anymore, she’s the only link to Carly I have. So I had to keep her. Anyway, back to Celeste. She said that maybe the family just didn’t know what to say to me or how to talk to me so they didn’t say anything. I guess that makes sense in a way but doesn’t make the initial hurt go away. When I needed some support, no one was there. I had a really good talk with Celeste and she was able to help with my closure a little bit. After all, I didn’t just lose my gf, I lost my best friend, my family, friends, cats and life as I knew it and had build it too.

On Friday I saw my friend Candice who was as amazing as she’s been since I got to know her 3 years ago. We went for dinner at Red Lobster and I had an over dose of butter. But the food, once again was AMAZING and exactly what I wanted. This trip was as much about walk down the culinary memory lane as it was about collecting my stuff and having a closure.

Saturday was about shopping and inching closer to that closure. We went shopping at Woodbury Commons, which is next to T’s mom’s. And before we went shopping I went to see T’s mom. I wanted to thank her for everything she did for me while I was there and just to say good bye one last time. She’s not down with the gay thing, if it was her choice T would not be gay. But during the 3 years I was there she took me in and T said that she really liked me. It was kinda conflicting because on one hand I knew she was against us and had strong religious beliefs that disapproved gays, but on the other hand she liked me. And I guess I believed that she liked me but I also always knew that I would have never been equal daughter in law to her others. Even with kids and marriage (whatever) and happily ever after. But she is good people and she would do anything for the people she loves and especially for her kids.

So when I rang the bell she yelled come inside. She was upstairs and asked who it was. I walked upstairs and said it was Jenni and when she saw me she smiled and gave me a big hug. Closure #1 completed. Carly was there too which I was hoping she would because Friday night is always at Grandma’s. Judy was kinda in a hurry so we didn’t have a lot time to talk but we covered the basics.

Carly was kinda shy at first, maybe my short and darker hair threw her off a little, after all it’s been 9 months since the last time we saw each other and I bet she’s not really seeing my pictures anywhere. But she remembered me, she was even able to say my name correctly (as correctly as any American will ever say it). Closure #2 completed. And then she said, “Titi misses you”. Twice. I kinda lost it, I can’t lie. Try having an adult conversation when a 3 year old tells you your ex misses you. Even if it was old news, even if it was months away. After that I couldn’t really concentrate on the conversation with T’s mom so I left pretty soon after that. On my way out Amanda walks in, she came to pick up Carly. I talked with her for a while and it was nice. She was happy to see me too. Plus I was staying at her brother’s house so she knew all about me being there. She was heavily pregnant too, few weeks away from her due date and just 4 days from her actual c-section. They had a baby boy who was named Jackson. Based on the pictures he too looks like Tiffany. Closure #3 completed.

Carly’s words were and have been in my mind since then. I know I will probably never see her again but it was great seeing her that one last time and even more so for her to remember me and to still remember me as a part of “Nenni and TiTi”. I was there when she was born, I was there for all the important things that happened during her first 2+ years and I thought I would be there to see her graduations, soccer games, engagement and wedding days… She’ll always have a place in my heart and I hope she won’t forget me. Highly unlikely but one can dream, right?

Why I’m not putting closure sign after talking about Tiffany yet? I still have so much stuff that I’m missing. Some things from my list are still there and I left a bag and a box at Barrie and Joel’s that I’ll need to go get at some point. Hopefully by the end of the year. So there’s still a trip down memory lane for me in the future and it’s gonna tug on my heart strings and bring all this to the surface but I’ll be more prepared for it.

So… what I’m saying is that I think I’m finally ready to move on. I’m not saying that I don’t still love her, that I’m not still sad or feel hurt or that hearing from her won’t make my heart skip few beats but I can’t dwell on it anymore. It’s in the past, it’s history now and it’s time to move on. I know I’ll have set backs, I know I will still be feeling sorry for myself from time to time and get sad but it can’t be all I am and all I do anymore. I have some great friends to get me over this, I have made some plans to nudge me over the edge and all in all, this WILL be my year. Now I just need to make sure of that. I’ve had more hangovers these past 5 months than the 4 years before combined (you can still count them with 2 hands) and it’s not productive or attractive. I can’t go back so I need to let go of the things that don’t and didn’t work.