I've always...

When you say "I've always been/wanted/known/felt like/..." how long is that "always" for you? Since the day you were born? Hardly unlikely since we can't remember that far back unless your family has told you about whatever-it-is-that-is-in-question-here.  Since you can remember? When was that? My earliest memory is from when I was learning to stand on my feet and to walk holding on to something and I accidentally touched the volume button on the radio and put it on so loudly that I scared myself and started crying. And that's 30 years ago so it's a helluva long time. Since the day you realized you were gay or whatever mainstream sexuality you identify with? The day I finally accepted my gayness was when Marina and Jenny were doing the "nasty" on my TV screen in early 2005 and I was like "OH, that explains it". The day you moved out of town and started living outside the shadow of your family and friends? How long is always for you?

Why am I asking this, you ask? I was just wondering, where does always begin and does it end? Lets say that you've "always" wanted a big church wedding and lots of guests and everything it entails, does that "always" end when you get your wish? And if you have that, and then that marriage ends for some reason, do you still want that big church wedding the second time around or did that end with the first one? How does it work? 

And then how about with something little less definable? Like happiness. What is it that makes you happy? For different people it's different things. And if you don't have the one thing that YOU think will make you happy, what if you get it and it turns out it really isn't what you expected? "I've always thought that I need a lot of money to be happy?" Or when I have a lot of money I'll be happy. True or false? Can money make you happy? Lack of it can certainly make you miserable but there are so many other variables in the equation for happiness that money alone will not work.

When was the happiest time of your life? When you felt totally at ease with yourself, your life, the direction where you were going and everything just flowed the way it was meant to be?  For me, for my 30+ years, it has to be spring/summer of 2008 when me and T moved in together. I was still at school, had just started working there too, we had a new apartment and everything was kinda falling into place. I had no money worries, I didn't have to think about the future or jobs or deportation or visas or anything like that. I had just moved in with my gf and things were just peachy. I had 2 cats, great new friends who accepted me the way I was and the future was ahead of us. Things were perfect. Life was perfect. Love was all I needed. I guess I used all that luck back then because it hasn't been coming my way since. And this seriously was not supposed to be about T at all and it's not so let's move on!

What this post is really about is tattoos but I got all philosophical with " I've always wanted a Ying and Yang tattoo" and how long that always is and will be. I saw the words Ying and Yang on something, remembered my desire for a tattoo and remembered my conversation with Marianne from a week ago when we were talking about tattoos. Right now I have 3 different tattoos I want and I even know the places I want them to. And I even know who's gonna make them but before that...the dreaded job and money situation needs to be resolved.

So if we start this post with how I intended it to go... I've always wanted a Ying and Yang tattoo (always in this case meaning since about 7th/8th grade when we were taught about different religions at school and when I became aware of Ying and Yang and the meaning). I've always known that Forssa wasn't the place where I wanted to live for the rest of my life, and same might be said about Finland as well (Always in this case being since I realized I was different, not necessarily gay and it was re-enforced  since I moved to Swansea to become an au pair). But I've also always been a PROUD Finn, even if I wasn't living here or wasn't looking forward to spending the rest of my life here (always in this case meaning since I understood how bad some people in other countries have it). So when the time came for me to get a tattoo, I was aware that I wouldn't be in Finland for long and wanted something that symbolized my proud Finnish roots, I chose the Finnish Lion. I would put a picture up here but can't find any on my computer and I know I took them because I showed it to T when I had it done. Anyways... I've always rambled a lot and this was in no way an exception. 

Till next week.