Halloween

Took a little walk today too and iCats was just as bad today as it was yesterday. I was too mad though to get misty eyed over it. Today I feel like hitting the crap out of someone. Body combat class would be awesome right about now...

This time last year I was dressed as Betty Rubble and Tiffany was Pebbles Flinstone...we went over to Billy and Amanda's to see Carly who was dressed up as a fish...the picture of Tiffany and Carly all dressed up was my wallpaper for a long time...it's gone now. Like everything else in my life. Afterwards we went to Tiffany's dads to hang out with her little sisters and we went trick or treating with them and their friends. Carly was just the cutest.

This will be Adriana's first halloween and I won't be there to see it. I'm sure JoJo has her in something fabulous. I asked Amanda what Carly was gonna be this year and was told she's a ladybug. She said she'll post pictures on FB so I can see. Can't wait!

So happy halloween people!

Music

I either have a horrible taste in music or my iCats is seriously screwing with my head. When you're going through tough times, music is supposed to help you. When you're going through happy times, music makes it even better. I guess I'm an exception, at least when it comes to going through tough times. I really doubt there's many songs that would make me feel better right now, if there are any songs like that, but seriously, WTF?

I walked to Prisma today to buy some stuff and I thought it would be good idea to play some music while I'm walking. These are the songs that were playing ON SHUFFLE:

It started with american pie by Madonna..."this will be the day that I die...this will be the day that I die". Awesome start, can't go wrong with that. From what? Broken heart? I guess it's pretty useless? Get hit by a car? Hämeentie is pretty  busy and dangerous...

Next up was "where do I begin" from the The L word soundtrack...double wham right there! The L word brought us together and the song goes "where do I begin to tell the story of how great a love can be. The sweet love story that is older than it seems, he simple truth about the love he brings to me. Where do I start?" NEXT!

Then it was Christina Aguilera's Candyman...wasn't feeling it so I moved on...

Then came Sheryl Crow's All I wanna do..."All I wanna do is have some fun, I gotta feeling I'm not the only one." Yeah, fun would be nice right about now...how, when, where and what is the question.

Next up came Sarah McLachlan's Song for a winters night from a x-mas album. X-mas is not gonna be fun this year, I won't see my nieces open their presents, it's Adriana's first x-mas, we were supposed to spend it here with my family for the first time and now it's cancelled... and the song goes "The lamp is burning low upon my table top, snow is softly fallin. The air is still in the silence of my room. I hear your voice softly calling. If I could only have you near, to breathe a sigh or two. I would be happy just to hold the hands I love on this winter's night with you". I think it's time to move on now...I don't wanna be all puffy eyed while in the store so it's time to shut the thing off. On my way home these are the songs that were playing. We started with Natasha Bedingfield and I bruise easily

"my skin is like a map where my heart has been. And I can't hide the marks but it's not a negative thing. So I let down my guard, drop my defenses down by my clothes. I'm learning to fall with no safety net to cushion the blow. I bruise easily so be gentle when you handle me. there's a mark you leave like a love heart carved on a tree. I bruise easily can't scratch the surface without moving me. Underneath I bruise easily, I bruise easily. I found your finger prints on a glass of wine. Do you know you're leaving them all over this heart of mine too?" I think it's time to move on now.

Seal and Santana take the stage with you are my kind: "Stay with me baby, that's all I ask of you. I know that someday you won't remember the way that this moment feels to you. Don't let it go, don't turn your back on what you think you know, you never know. Don't leave it alone, 'cause I need you cling to. Cause you are my kind, you're all that I want here in this life until we're gone. Our breath and our skin, our hearts and our minds. They're one and the same, you are my kind. Well call on me baby if you should ever need someone to help get your head straight. I'll be your resident all night sure I'm glad just having you around. All that I know when you find love you never let it go. You never know, you know. Without you I'm lost, I get scattered, I'm shattered"

Next up Madonna and I'd be surprisingly good for you from Evita...Just hearing the music...NEXT!

We go to Take That and million love songs... "million love songs later here I'm trying to tell you that I care. Million love songs later here I am." Any song that has the words Love song in it let alone in the title will be FF'd!

After that we give the stage to Ricky martin and Christina Aguilera: Here you are in a darken room, all alone looking out the window. You're heart is cold and lost the will to love like a broken arrow. Here I stand in the shadow, come to me come to me can't you see that Nobody wants to be lonely, nobody wants to cry. My heart is longing to hold you so bad it hurts inside. Time is precious and it's slipping away and I've been waiting for you all of my life. Nobody wants to be lonely so why, why don't you let me love you?" Uplifting, isn't it? Truly uplifting.

True story.

Let's try this

It worked 2 days ago so let's see if I can make it happen again!

Tiffany
Job
Apartment
Vacation
Lottery win
Green Card Lottery win
Cats
HAPPINESS

Denial

Last week, 6 days ago to be exact, my girlfriend left me. After 4 and a half years together, she ended it with me. Maybe one day I can write about it without sounding bitter but for now it's better left unwritten.

They say that there are 5 stages of grief. It starts with denial, which I think I am in. This really didn't happen, did it? She will change her mind, won't she? The past year and and a half I've been kicked around so much that I keep thinking that if I win the lottery or get some money somewhere I can fly over and convince her to change her mind. If I get a job and a place to stay, she'll see I can do this, I can provide for her and she'll change her mind. I just need that one break in my life and it will all turn around. We can have that house together we talked about. We can have kids some day like we talked about. We can go on vacations to places she/we've never been before like we talked about. I can show her Europe like we talked about. We can do all those things that we never did but talked about because we didn't have the money to do them before. All I need is that one break and it'll all be ok. Right?

To move on to happier topics... I got a jury duty summons this week! I know I know, nobody wants to be on jury duty! But when you get a jury summons from the state on NJ when you haven't lived there in 13 months, are not a U.S. citizen and last lived in the state of New York, you ARE happy about it! It made my miserable week, I'll tell you that! Now we just wait for the NY summons to come! LOL!

We don't have juries in Finland so all I know about jury duty is what they show on TV, which is not the reality, what I've heard from people and from Tiffany's experience from last summer. Everybody says it's not fun but I would have done it if it meant they pay for my flights, hotel and food! And as a non/citizen and a person who doesn't even have a green card or any kind of visa anymore and is out of the country, my immediate thought was "is this a way for a citizenship/green cars?" You serve in the US military and you get a citizenship. You serve in a jury and you get a citizenship too, right?

The summons also said I'd be a "petit juror". Does that refer to my size or what the hell is that all about? I know I'm small but seriously, no need for name calling! I have a big ego...or used to at least. Is there a height or weight requirement for "petit juror"?

The summons also threatened you with a contempt of court if you failed to return the questionnaire and answer the questions. Do I wanna be in contempt? What would they do if I was? Come get me from Finland and put me in jail? If I was, would I be able to fly to Newark or would there be a mark in my record indicating I should be arrested as soon as I enter NJ? Could I fly to JFK and be ok? Or would they deny my entrance to USA all together? These are all big questions to ponder...

I filled out the questionnaire online...First questions was "are you a living in Essex county?" No. "Are you a U.S. citizen?" Nope. "Are you mentally fit to serve as a juror and fulfill the duties of a juror properly?" I doubt it... After the questionnaire was done, this is what the computer told me

YOUR RESPONSE INDICATES THAT YOU ARE NOT ELIGIBLE TO SERVE AS A JUROR AT THIS TIME. Please be aware that you may be asked by the Jury Management Office for verification regarding your responses. Do not report for juror service on your summons date unless you are contacted further by the Jury Management Office."

I really wanted to be a juror. This could have been my chance... Maybe next time. All though the Jury Management Office might still contact me...

Maybe I'll be in Newark, NJ on December 8. 

Signs

Signs. They're everywhere. In June when I heard about the possible Rutgers job, all of a sudden there were signs everywhere. All positive. Stickers at the back of cars, posters on the side of a highway advertising degree programs, and people on the news who went to Rutgers. Since I came back and the guy stopped all contact, it's been all bad. A gay student from Rutgers was bullied and jumped off a bridge. And a football player was paralyzed after a tackle on the field.

Neither one of those things don't necessarily make that place a bad work place but I think it's interesting how the news are bad now. It's like the rotten core all of a sudden comes out. First it's all pretty and exciting and then it all implodes in front of you.

Can anyone tell me if rain on your big day is supposed to be a good or a bad thing? Not talking about wedding day but on a day when something important is supposed to happen? Last week's Wednesday, the day before my interview was the most gorgeous fall day ever. I went out for a walk and even though it was crispy, the leafs were changing colors, covering the ground like a blanket and the air was nice and warm in the sun. Then fastforward to Thursday, me in a suit, nice new heels and my hair done (even hairspray which I've used the last time when Johnny and JoeAnn got married!) and it's pouring like there's no tomorrow. I did get my New Yorker on and wore sneakers outside so that my shoes wouldn't get wet but seriously?

Then yesterday I had the European recruiting fair in Turku and I wake up with my sinuses about to explode. I got the flu on Sunday and I think yesterday was the worst day so far. Was seriously thinking about not even going but I had promised to see a friend from high school I haven't seen for over 3 maybe 4 years so I got up and went...took the later bus though. The unemployment agency agreed to pay my travel expenses if I showed them a potential employer from the list of participants and could get them to sign my form. When I got to the fair area I'm looking for the company and couldn't find them. I saw a whole slew of other vendors but Gem was not there...GREAT! I asked the information people and they said that Gem had not showed up nor had they informed anybody about it... So it will remain to be seen whether I'll get my travel expenses paid. RAIN ALL DAY! The seminars were great, well 2,5/4. From the first I only saw the last quarter maybe and he's gay so by association it was great (in English). The "how to become a diplomat" and " how to become a EU bureaucrat" presentations gave me a lot to think about (both in Finnish) and then the "how to find a job in EU area" presentation (in English) was total crap! I hate presenting and I forget my words but I can talk outside the slides too. I might be red as a tomato and in need of a shower but if that's the level of presentation we Finns can give in English...I have a bright bright future! So yeah, that fair was a waste of my time, mostly. But yeah...rain.

iPod's shuffle function is a curious thing. It's like it has a mood sensor and it only plays the music that fits your mood. When you're happy it plays all kinds of up beat songs, when you're in love it plays love songs all day long, when you're exercising it plays all kinds of songs that will give you that one extra push so that you can finish or go on just a little bit more. And when you're sad or heartbroken, that's all it plays. Sad songs that will make you even sadder or songs about lost love(r) that will bring tears to your eyes.

Even if you ignore them or don't know how to interpret them at the time, the signs will all make sense one day.

Gay rights and Christianity

I can't lie, after watching that program last Tuesday, I was reeling but now I've had time to think about it and even though I wish people weren't so narrow minded, I've cooled down a bit.

I think there was a fundamental mistake in the design of the discussion. The issue, as far as I'm concerned and my rights are concerned isn't about the right to get married or have my marriage/civil union blessed by the lutheran Church but to actually get married and have the right to adopt a child by the Finnish constitution/law. I personally don't care whether I can get the church's blessing but apparently there are still a lot of gay people who do. But the real issue is to get equal rights for gay couples. And the church does NOT have any say in the juridical process in Finland. Church is church and parliament is the parliament, the entity that makes the laws. Where were the people who could have talked about the effects to the economy/politics/constitution if we had the right to marry? Is there even such a situation where gay marriage and rights to adopt would be harmful to the society? I'd like to hear the arguments against it from the law standpoint because we all already know the bible's.

I think the 18500+ people who have given up their membership in the lutheran church since last Tuesday speaks volumes as to what Finns think about the issue. According to Iltasanomat, that's almost 6 Million euros away from the church's budget as tax money. That's got to hurt! Tarja Halonen said that she thinks it's great that people discuss about the issue...I think it's awesome that I can feel the love from my fellow Finns and they think it's important that I have the same rights as they do. It might not even be about my rights per se, just the fact that the church is so old fashioned...And Päivi Räsänen does not make it easier for the church.

It's sad that in this day and age there are still people who cannot speak for themselves and who cannot make up their own mind. Her only argument is that the bible says so. Bible is over 2000 years old, the times have changed since then. The people believing in the bible have adapted to the times when it comes to electricity, cell phones, cars and other advancements. Why can't you accept us as human beings and practice the love and acceptance you preach about?

They said it's ok to be a homosexual as long as you don't act on it. You can have those feelings and still live a fulfilling live as heterosexual. WHAT??? Am I supposed to act against everything I feel? You can't help the way you are or feel. I can't act hetero any more than hetero can act gay in their own lives. It is not a choice, it's not something you do because it's in, it's fashionable! Who would wanna be gay if it was a choice when there are narrow minded people on this earth spreading their lies and disgust? It's not that simple people.

One of the people discussing the issue on Tuesday on behalf of the nay sayers said that the church has made few inquiries or researches into how it could integrate gay marriage or blessing into their program and that they just couldn't find a justification for it in the bible. And that the bible is the law and has the final say as far as how the church thinks people and it should act. And that as far as the church and it's structure is concerned, it would be very difficult to accept gay marriage and blessings because then it would open the door for other things that are not in the bible. I can understand that. I just think that it's time to move on and adapt.

Overall, I think it was great that this discussion was organized. I was on facebook the whole 2 hours commenting on people's posts, posting my own views and talking about this. I loved the fact that there were so many people on my friends list so outraged about this. All straight people. Some were more for the equal rights...some were more for against the church...some equally pissed off about both. Made me feel proud to be Finnish and have such an amazing friends. Hopefully Tuesday was a start of something beautiful to come!

btw, as much as I dislike Päivi Räsänen and what she stance for, she does have a right to her opinion. It's not cool to make threats against her or her family because of her believes, just as it's not right to make threats against gays.

See you all at my wedding! ;-) Later!

That's how I see it

I think there should be more people like Elviira and Mikko in this world! It's a shame that they don't wanna have kids because both Finland the rest of the world would really benefit from having people who were raised by so levelheaded and intelligent people!

If you can't beat them, outsmart them!

Maybe good things come to those who announce them?

Since I announced that I'm claiming my life back, which was sometime last week, I got a call this morning inviting me to an interview on Thursday in Helsinki. If this really works, and lets all hope that it does, I'm getting this job!!! You heard it here first unless I already called you...

It's for a company that was established in February and they are in the compressed air system business. What that means exactly, I'm not sure, but I will be studying to find out all day tomorrow! Today I have plans... They are looking for a project manager to manage an international team blah blah blah and travel! I'm all for managing and traveling! I'll be much wiser on Thursday but you'll gonna have to wait because I'll be seeing a long lost friend afterwards so I won't be home till sometime Friday.

The unemployment agency will pay for my travel expenses so I went to fill out the application and then met up with a case worker. As long as I get the interviewer to sign my papers, there should be no problems. I also asked her if they pay my travel expenses if I go to a recruiting fair in Turku next week that I saw on their website. I was going through their job postings for abroad and there was one employer that was gonna be at this fair. She said that it sounds like a great idea, to be pro active and go to a place where there is tens of possible employers and that if I can get one of them sign my paper (I need to apply for it again) it shouldn't be a problem. But she needed to ask her boss to make sure.

Fast forward few hours and she calls me...It can be done as long as I have a particular employer in mind and will fill out the form WITH THE EMPLOYERS NAME IN IT BEFOREHAND. Since I only know that one company that is participating and wasn't really looking to go work for them...it makes it a little difficult. Once again their bureaucracy is coming in between what I want to do and what their rules say...

But, to make things interesting, I am from now on going to try to participate in every recruiting fair possible in the Southern Finland region, find out which companies are going, make the unemployment agency pay and SEE MY FRIENDS as well! I'm seeing Iita on Thursday and staying overnight and next Wednesday I'm having dinner/lunch/drinks/something with my friend Nina in Turku. I'm getting that form signed and they will pay for my social life! They made me wait 2 months before I can apply for unemployment benefits so the least they can do is pay for my social life...eerrrr, travel expenses!

Now we come to the interesting part. Since most of my clothes are in USA, my nice jacket and shoes included, I had to call Elviira and ask her if she can lend me a jacket. My sporty jackets don't really go with my suit! Also, I need to buy shoes...converse and sneakers are probably not suitable with my outfit. I was looking at these heels today but I might have to go back to the store and wear my pants to see if they go together. Or maybe Elviira will be able to lend me those too.

Well anyway...paistaa se aurinko risukasaankin joskus!

Later

I rest my case

I am currently watching the news and they had a segment about the major themes in next springs election. They were immigration and gay rights. One of the big shots of the Finnish party "Kokoomus" which is the National Coalition party, as I just found out after googling it, said on the news that he believes that marriage is between a man and a woman. (NCP is a central/rightish party, kinda like the Republicans.) He also said that NCP is a patriotic party and that home values and issues fall under that patriotism. Which to me says that discrimination is patriotic. If that's the case I think Finland is in deep trouble. I had to post on the FB wall of our local wanna be politician and ask her to explain it to me as she's a member of that party.

The sad thing is that at some point this summer/fall, they were talking about supporting the "sex neutral marriage" reform but then decided against it. Was that a majority ruling or just a political decision, I can't remember. But it INFURIATES me when people who have nothing to do with my life make statements and decisions on my behalf.

Other person who was talking about this was Päivi Räsänen who as a christian democrat has been against gay rights, abortion etc...Just seeing her face makes my blood boil. Lets hope she and Sarah Palin don't ever meet!

If I could take the bullshit, I'd consider politics

I've been doing a lot of thinking the past few months I've been in Finland. There are certain things that are wrong in the world and there are certain things that are wrong both in the U.S. and in Finland. Those issues touch a lot of lives and are close to my heart. I can't obviously do anything about the U.S. politics or the political climate there as I'm not a citizen nor am I living there anymore but there is a lot I could be doing in Finland.

As far as my life is concerned, immigration equality in USA is a major concern. It touches my life and it touches countless others who are either in the country or are separated from their partner because of the immigration law there. As Finland doesn't have that problem when it comes to LGBT immigration, we don't have groups/resources/communities to address or support these people. We have SETA, sexual equality organization which is like the american HRC. I haven't seen anything on their website about binational couples. This summer Finland was about to deport a gay man back to his home country in Africa and it made the headlines but still it was only about a gay african man about to be deported. There was no organization other than SETA to back him up and support his cause. Finland isn't exactly the immigration mecca, either as a wanted destination or by its willingness to accept immigrants so I guess small organizations like that are not really needed. But for those binational couples who have settled down in Finland or in my situation where I'm separated from my partner, little support would be nice. I can, and will join my local SETA chapter as soon as I get a job and settle down, and maybe even suggest a support group for "my people".

Another issue that is very popular in the news and in the political campaigns around Finland right now is immigration in general. There is a new political party that bases its political beliefs around anti-immigration issues. They don't want more immigrants, evacuees or refugees in Finland and are making sure people know about it. When people are unemployed, have little or no money and feel general discontent in their lives, focusing their anger towards foreigners is easy and common. I applied to work as a case worker for immigrants looking for a job from the Helsinki unemployment agency. Whether I will get it remains to be seen. Just like in many other countries, immigrants usually even with a high education end up with the jobs that locals don't want; low paying, dirty, manual jobs that are not "good enough" for the locals. And still we complain that "they come and take our jobs". While I was looking for a job in the States, it was all on me. There was no resources to help me, other than my contacts, friends, family, classmates etc. There were plenty of jobs to be had but there were plenty of people applying for them too. Outside help, had I wanted it, would have cost money. Which I didn't have.

Immigration in USA is viewed as a bad thing. Getting there legally is difficult and getting there legally when you really need to, is almost impossible, as it is and was in my case. Visa running out+no job+not able to get married to your partner= you leave the country. I could have stayed as illegal but what kind of a life would we have had? I have family and friends in Finland which made that scenario impossible too. Had I had to come to Finland for any reason, I wouldn't have been able to go back to the US. That's not a way to build a life. And there was no way for me to get a job legally from USA that way. There would have been the constant fear of getting caught and being deported. We didn't want to pay that price, but a lot of people do every day. Immigration Equality is working every day for those couples, and for us, to make a change in the immigration law to include binational LGBT couples.

USA is the ultimate goal for people who have dreams and who are willing to do whatever to achieve it. With a hard work, they say, you can become rich and achieve your dreams. Which is why so many people want to go there every year. Maybe 200 000 do that legally, millions of others take their chances and do it illegally. In Finland, immigration numbers run in the hundreds, if not in few thousands. Still we complain. I remember back when I was studying in Tampere, my classmates from Africa were looking for jobs and the only thing they could find was cleaning. Were they taking our wanted jobs? I don't think so. They were working on nights and weekends and early mornings, because those were the times that Finns didn't wanna work. Especially to clean. I understand that if we do not help our immigrants to find jobs, learn the language and to integrate into the Finnish society, they will cost us a lot of money. But many of them are highly educated and could contribute if only given the chance. Do you really think anyone would want to voluntarily leave their home country, family, friends, jobs and belongings behind to move to a country where they are hated, they can't get a job, it's dark and cold much of the year and the only thing they are good for is cleaning? I don't think so! So why don't we do something about it?

After following the campaign of a local wanna-be politician, the happenings she is partaking in the name of politics/campaigning and the people she needs to meet, listen and talk to... I don't think I would be able to take it. You meet all these people, you listen to their problems, suggestions and other worries, you try to understand, you make promises and listen to them talk about things that don't necessarily concern or interest you or that you know nothing about...I just couldn't do it. I think my attention span wouldn't make me a good politician. So instead of getting into politics, I will try to make my mark in the grass root level and try to help "my people" in practice. But before I can help others, I will need to help myself.

I would love to be able to decide on my own salary raise though...

Hope everybody is having a good day and week!

I'm claiming my life back

The time for boo hooing is over. Does it suck that I'm away from Tiffany and the kitties? Yes, absolutely! Does it suck that I'm STILL unemployed and there are no job prospects in sight? You betcha! Does it suck that I'm sleeping in my parents living room and basically out of a suitcase? Sure does! But there are so many people out there who have it even worse so I am gonna stop complaining. In stead of feeling sorry for myself, I'll start moving forward.

All good and well in theory but we'll see about the practice!

I got a rejection e-mail from a job that I really liked today. The Nordic environmental standard "Swan" was looking for a specialist to go though the applications. They passed on me. Moving on.

I had an appointment at the social services today. As you know, I'm not getting any unemployment benefits yet so this is what it has come to. This person, my case person, has restored some of my faith in humanity. Last month she gave me enough to pay my bills and have some to spend. This month she upped it without me asking for it. I think my expenses are still just a tad bit higher than what I will be getting but the situation isn't as dire as it might be. I have roof over my head, food in my belly, phone that's working (for now) and internet connection to stay in contact with Tiffany and to look for jobs... some people don't even have that so I will try to be thankful for what I've got.

Speaking of thankful...I am open for donations towards plane tickets to USA for thanksgiving! 553 euros... 750 dollars. Anybody willing to part ways with that money, do not hesitate to contact me!

After living together for over 2 years and being able to see each other and talk to each other every day, getting used to the 7h time difference is very difficult. Having barely any money for phone bills doesn't make things any easier. Skype, as great as it is, requires working, uninterrupted internet connection that seems to be unattainable for us. Either there is interruption on my end or the connection keeps going off on Tiffany's end. Computer to phone skype calls are not all that better, even if they are free. I guess you get what you pay for...which in this case is not whole lot.

The job situation in USA is not looking good for me. I have not heard from the guy at Rutgers since I came to Finland, and my professor who put me in contact with him and has been helping me in my job search, has not heard from him either. It might be that there's nothing to tell, but telling me that would go a long way. How can I work for someone who is so unreliable?

In other job related news though, my professor, Eric, who's real day job was working for the EPA, a federal entity, has resigned and is going to the private sector. As I am not an american, I couldn't have been hired by the EPA. Now that he will be working for a private company, he might be in a position to help me. If there are any positive news, I will let you know. But this could be very good news for me and Tiffany.

In totally unrelated news...in 2004 when I was doing my 6 months of practical training for Loimi-Häme, I rented a room from my parents' neighbors. It was just a room and I had to share a bathroom with a drunken older man who also rented a room from the same house...anyway, I ate and showered etc at my parents house. To make things easier (calling on the phone was just TOO complicated) I bought these walkie talkies for myself and Arttu so that we could go back and forth and they could call me to eat or just to come over. I absolutely LOVED those things... fast forward to 2010 and me back in Finland...I went through my stuff in the attic and guess what I found? My walkie talkies! I bought new batteries for them and we are now going back and forth with Arttu again! I'm on my computer downstairs, he's in his room upstairs...now we can bullshit whenever we want! He is going back to the army for the final 3 days in few hours but after he gets released, it's on!!! I think the range is between 500-1500m, so unfortunately we can't do this while he's away...

I should look into jobs that require communication via walkie talkies... I'm like a kid in a candy store...call me a geek all you want, I love them!