Until I was 25 I didn’t know who I was. Then I hear music and I see a picture on TV and all of a sudden I know who I am. I know what was different about me and everything makes sense. I meet a girl and my life makes sense. I fall in love and it all makes sense. I know who I am. The love songs make sense even though they are about a boy and a girl. The love stories make sense even though they are about a boy and a girl. Everything around me makes sense even though they’re about a boy and a girl. My story is not about a boy and a girl but I can understand their feelings, their love, and their excitement.
Tiffany is the most amazing person you’ll ever meet. She has a kind, big heart and she takes care of people. She seems tough and she doesn’t let people in easily and she doesn’t let people know that she has a soft side but deep down she has the biggest heart I’ve ever known and she is and will help a lot of people.
She has a larger than life personality. One thing I’ve always admired about her is the way she attracts people. I’m nothing like her, I’m a wallflower but she has a way about her that attracts people. When ever she enters a room people flock towards her. She is funny and kind and she’s someone that you just wanna be around. She has a way of making you feel like you’re the most important person in her life, and for a couple of years I had the honor of being that person. The most important person in her life. My life was better with her in it. My life was bright and shiny and fun. She has a way of making everything and anything fun. She could make the most mundane story to sound like the most exciting thing on earth. I couldn’t wait to get her home after work so I could hear all about her day. And I wasn’t and am not the only one. Whenever there was a family function people were going to her to tell their problems and to listen to her tell her stories and get advice. Same with her friends. Everybody just flock to her…she has a way about her that cannot be explained. And for a short period of time I was somebody. I was with her…I was the girl she was with so I must have been somebody too. I was worth her love so I must have been somebody.
My world is silent and dark and humorless now. There are no more stories. There’s no more joy. There are no more funny stories how she fell asleep on the subway on some tall Chinese man’s shoulder. There are no more updates on how her family is. There are no more stories on how our cats are. There are no more stories on how Carly and Adriana are doing. There are no more stories on what she wants from her life. There are no more jokes. It’s all dark.
I don’t know how to communicate. I blew it and I can’t fix it even though I want it so bad. I want my girlfriend back. I want my best friend back. I want my soul mate back. I want the love of my life back. I know I can’t have it but that’s what I want.
I made her the center of my universe and I always knew that’s not what you are supposed to do. You’re supposed to have your own life outside your relationship so that you can co-exist in your relationship but also need your own life and own interests for yourself. I let my friendships die or I didn’t nurture them when I moved to USA. I let my Finnish friends go because I made Tiffany the center of my universe and now I am paying the price for it. I have few amazing friends who are doing their very best to make me feel better but they have their own lives and I can’t butt in or expect them to drop everything for me. For 5 years Tiffany was my best friend, my partner, my better half and she got me. She got my sense of humor which is not easy to do. I’m sarcastic, I’m not PC and I can have pretty harsh sense of humor but she got it. She might not always agree with me 100% but she got me. She got my sense of humor and she got my point of view even if she didn’t agree with me. Now there’s no more laughter, there’s no more joy. There’s no sense of humor. There’s no fun. I miss her so bad. There’s nobody else in this world that’s like her and I’m afraid I will never meet another person who got me like she did. Who made me laugh so hard. You can never underestimate the power of laughter and the power of people getting your sense of humor. You cannot underestimate the power of having fun together.
I’m limited in what I can do and I wish I wasn’t aware of it. I wish I was one of those people who didn’t realized there are things they could have done but didn’t. And now it’s too late. I lost my partner, I lost my best friend and I lost my soul mate. My world is cold and dark and there’s no more laughter. I don’t know what the future has in store for me but I hope it’s not this painful.
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