Master of Arts in Avoidance

Which came first, an egg or a chicken?

Does life imitate art or art life?

We watch a lot of American TV in Finland and it’s been said that Finland is very American in a way. We idolize the American way of living. There are a lot of similarities but there are also a lot things that are different; culture, customs, way of communicating…

 I am a highly educated person; I have bachelor’s degree in environmental engineering and a master of arts in environmental management. I also have a master’s degree in avoidance. I recognize this trait and I’m aware of it. I am trying to fix it but it is not that easy. Whenever things get hard or there is conflict or confrontation I withdraw inside my head. When things get hard I withdraw inside my head.  And even though it is very comforting place for me to be, it doesn’t really let other people see where my head’s at. I know this but I haven’t really been able to fix it or get around it. And it’s part of the reason why my relationship failed.  Whenever we had a conflict I wasn’t really able to communicate. I withdrew, got quiet and avoided. T did the talking. Whenever we were in that moment where we should have discussed, my head went blank and I couldn’t communicate the things that I would have wanted to or should have. I was silent because I couldn’t form a sentence that would have expressed my point of view. I was able to think about a thousand arguments afterwards but I was not able to form them there and then. And I certainly was not able to start a discussion or argument. I was afraid to rock the boat. Because I thought if I did I’d lose her. Turns out I did anyway. My inability to do the one thing that she really wanted from me was the main reason why we failed as a couple.

The great thing about TV is that it makes you think. You get informed on the happenings of the world but TV shows really make you think sometimes. You get attached, you see some things that are not norm in your world, you see a show that really changes your point of view and life, and you get attached to shows and characters that speak to you. I don’t have to repeat how much The L word meant and means to me but now there’s another show that makes me think, makes me relate and makes me reflect. Grey’s anatomy. 

Part of the reason why I am doing the SETA training is because I want to help the kids/teens in Forssa (and in Finland) who are struggling with their sexuality but also to get outside my comfort zone. Like I’ve said before, it’s important to have people that you can relate to, who inspire you. I didn’t know any lesbians growing up and there were none on TV. And even though I know who I am I don’t have it all together and seeing a lesbian character or a couple on TV is a big deal. I get overly attached. I am overly attached to Callie and Arizona as characters, as a couple and as a storyline because they are the people I can relate to right now. They are the only lesbian character on TV right now and they were going through a break up just after we were. When I needed something to believe in, I turned to TV. And frankly there are no lesbians in my world right now. I have no Finnish lesbian friends who I could talk to.  Basically all the lesbians I know are somehow connected to Tiffany so it’s kind a hard. Plus they are all in USA.  All kinds of difficulties to overcome.  I have great friends who will listen when I need to talk but I need someone who can relate to MY situation. So I turn to TV.

I think part of my frustration with the Callie/Arizona storyline right now is the fact that I can relate to Callie more than I want to. I am frustrated by her lack of communication with her partner and I can see that she is going to lose because she is avoiding talking about the major issues, talking about her relationship with her partner, talking about how her actions hurt her partner and talking about her feelings/needs/wants/desires. And I can see it as clear as day is long and I can relate to it but I was not able to correct myself and my actions and it seems, neither is she. And it infuriates me!!! She is me: master of avoidance.

And this is not just something that I do in my relationship; I also do it around people. I know I can be charming and funny and sociable around the people I know and am comfortable with but it is very hard for me to come out of my shell with people I don’t know.  Except when I’m drunk. Then I’m just a hoot! NOT!  And even though in that moment I know I’m supposed to and SHOULD act differently, I can’t help myself.  I am who I am and I am trying to change, but can I truly do that? Can I get out of my way to help myself?

This is me trying to expose my head to the outside world and take responsibility of my failed relationship. I failed once…I don’t want to again.

Later and weekends!

Riddle me this

What good is a memo if it doesn't reach everyone involved?

and

How are you supposed to keep a promise when there is someone who is not aware of that promise and is doing everything in their power to make you break that promise?

Now that we are done with riddles, let's get to the real business at hand. For the next month I will be a commuter. That's right people, that means I have a job! For a month at least. And I'll have my OWN one person office! Not too shabby! And I'll be working at an old sane asylum! I'm so awesome that what was supposed to be a 2-3 weeks will end up being a month! And I haven't even started working yet... So there, I'll be borrowing my parents car and driving to Hämeenlinna  every day. And next month is the SETA training too...busy month! I might have to take some time off in April!

But now I have to go, there's a construction crane being dismantled outside my window and I've always wanted to see how they put them together or take them apart and now is my chance to find out so LATER!

And sometimes you gotta smile

BREAKING NEWS: Obama has instructed the Department of Justice to NOT to defend the Defense of Marriage Act, or DOMA which is the law that defines marriage between a man and a woman and which together with the immigration law was the main reason why we were not able to get married while straight people could in USA. This will not affect my situation but will hopefully help a LOT of couples like us who are in the unbearable situation of facing life apart, moving out of the country or staying there illegally.

This is a great day for Obama administration but still just a small step. They need to define marriage gender neutral and include bionational gay couples into the immigration law before this helps anybody. Or binational couples...this might help the gay american couples sooner... I sometimes forget the gay american couples since I'm not american... so here's hoping that my gay american friends will send me an invitation to their wedding SOON!

Good for you Obama! Good for America.

If you want to learn more, you can go to
www.hrc.org or
www.immigrationequality.org

Sometimes all you can do is LOL!

I am sure I'm over thinking things but sometimes when you have all this time on your hands, all you can do is over think and over analyze. I've also noticed that one of my strong suits, patience, is running pretty low these days. Patience to have faith for the fact that things will work themselves out on their own time in their own terms and me worrying about them will not make things happen faster. which is why I'm TRYING to let go and trust that what's meant to be will be. Like the jobs I've applied to. The jobs I feel SHOULD be offered to me. My patience is also running low for stupidity but that it always has so that's nothing new.

Part of my over thinking is analyzing people's motives. Why are certain things happening right now? Why are certain people reaching out to me right now? Why are certain people following me right now? WHY? And after these things happen, why do certain things happen? I am seeing cause-reaction/consequence relationships all around me, some which might be true and some which might be the the results of my overactive mind making things up.

One thing that always gets me is friend requests on facebook. ESPECIALLY from people who you haven't spoken to in years, who you haven't had a good relationship for years or who you think that really shouldn't be your contacts/friends. I do question people's motives. Especially when they don't give me the time of the day when I AM/WAS in their lives but am not anymore. I got a friend request from T's sister-in-laws friend few days ago who NEVER talked to me while we were together and now that I'm outta there and we are broken up, she wants to be friends? Why?

Today I gotta friend request from an old friend from the message boards who we (me and T) had a falling out with. Why is she FR'ing me now??? The 2 of us were never friends outside our partners and now that we're broken up and I'm in Finland, she wants to be friends? WHY? I haven't talked to her in ages so she doesn't know that we're broken up but still. I question the timing...

And I gotta say it's always great to have new readers, especially from USA. Welcome, I say. Especially those I have been told I cannot talk to.

So with all these twist and turns...all I can do is laugh out loud. Que sera sera....and so on.

Hope you all are enjoying these freezing temperatures!

Later!

Happy Valentine's Day

Happy Valentine's Day to those of you who have a Valentine and Hyvää Ystävänpäivää to those who don't.

Happy Valentine's Day to Sox and Bailey, I miss you kitty cats!

Better in time

2 weeks ago I was walking home from Elviira and Mikko's. It was around midnight, there was no one on the streets, it was just below freezing and a beautiful winter night. I was listening to my iPod shuffle that my step cats gave me for Valentine's day last year (great timing as it's almost Valentine's day again) and this song came on. I didn't know who sang it but it at that moment it was like it was written about me. I obviously have it somewhere on my iTunes but I for the life of me couldn't remember who sang it. When I got home I spent 2 hours going through my iTunes and going through my playlists trying to figure out which song it was until finally I found it. Just listen.

It's been the longest winter without you
I didn't know where to turn to
See somehow I can't forget you
After all that we've been through

Going coming
Thought I heard a knock
Who's there no one
Thinking that I deserve it
Now I realize that I really didn't know
If you didn't notice you mean everything
Quickly I'm learning to love again
All that I know is I'mma be ok


Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
Even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time

I couldn't turn on the TV
Without something there to remind me
Was it all that easy
To just put aside your feelings

If I'm dreaming don't wanna laugh
Hurt my feelings but that's the path
I'll believe in
And I know time will heal it
If you didn't notice boy you mean everything
Quickly I'm learning to love again
All I know is I'mma be ok

Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
Even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time

Since there's no more you and me
It's time I let you go
So I can be free
And live my life how it should be
No matter how hard it is I'll be fine without you
Yes I will

Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
Even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to (yes I do)
It'll all get better in time



Ever since the break up I've known there's nothing I can or could do to change it. It's done, it's over and I will need to accept it. I didn't have a choice. I DON'T have a choice. You cannot make anyone to wanna be with you and I knew it was final the minute she said it. So all I can do is to live with it. Deal, accept and move on. She's doing her "I'm totally fine and happy and it's all sunshine and happiness and unicorns in my world"-routine, which is fine if it works for her. That shit doesn't fly with me. I'm more of a up and down, wallow-in-my-misery-until-I'm-not, drink if I feel like it, hate her guts type of a person and for the most parts it works for me. And I thought I was doing pretty ok until few days ago when she e-mailed me. And then it all came back. But this song is going to be my anthem and maybe I'll try the positive attitude until I'm truly over it. It hurts but Imma be ok. Which is a shame. Because that means she won't be a part of my life anymore.