Master of Arts in Avoidance

Which came first, an egg or a chicken?

Does life imitate art or art life?

We watch a lot of American TV in Finland and it’s been said that Finland is very American in a way. We idolize the American way of living. There are a lot of similarities but there are also a lot things that are different; culture, customs, way of communicating…

 I am a highly educated person; I have bachelor’s degree in environmental engineering and a master of arts in environmental management. I also have a master’s degree in avoidance. I recognize this trait and I’m aware of it. I am trying to fix it but it is not that easy. Whenever things get hard or there is conflict or confrontation I withdraw inside my head. When things get hard I withdraw inside my head.  And even though it is very comforting place for me to be, it doesn’t really let other people see where my head’s at. I know this but I haven’t really been able to fix it or get around it. And it’s part of the reason why my relationship failed.  Whenever we had a conflict I wasn’t really able to communicate. I withdrew, got quiet and avoided. T did the talking. Whenever we were in that moment where we should have discussed, my head went blank and I couldn’t communicate the things that I would have wanted to or should have. I was silent because I couldn’t form a sentence that would have expressed my point of view. I was able to think about a thousand arguments afterwards but I was not able to form them there and then. And I certainly was not able to start a discussion or argument. I was afraid to rock the boat. Because I thought if I did I’d lose her. Turns out I did anyway. My inability to do the one thing that she really wanted from me was the main reason why we failed as a couple.

The great thing about TV is that it makes you think. You get informed on the happenings of the world but TV shows really make you think sometimes. You get attached, you see some things that are not norm in your world, you see a show that really changes your point of view and life, and you get attached to shows and characters that speak to you. I don’t have to repeat how much The L word meant and means to me but now there’s another show that makes me think, makes me relate and makes me reflect. Grey’s anatomy. 

Part of the reason why I am doing the SETA training is because I want to help the kids/teens in Forssa (and in Finland) who are struggling with their sexuality but also to get outside my comfort zone. Like I’ve said before, it’s important to have people that you can relate to, who inspire you. I didn’t know any lesbians growing up and there were none on TV. And even though I know who I am I don’t have it all together and seeing a lesbian character or a couple on TV is a big deal. I get overly attached. I am overly attached to Callie and Arizona as characters, as a couple and as a storyline because they are the people I can relate to right now. They are the only lesbian character on TV right now and they were going through a break up just after we were. When I needed something to believe in, I turned to TV. And frankly there are no lesbians in my world right now. I have no Finnish lesbian friends who I could talk to.  Basically all the lesbians I know are somehow connected to Tiffany so it’s kind a hard. Plus they are all in USA.  All kinds of difficulties to overcome.  I have great friends who will listen when I need to talk but I need someone who can relate to MY situation. So I turn to TV.

I think part of my frustration with the Callie/Arizona storyline right now is the fact that I can relate to Callie more than I want to. I am frustrated by her lack of communication with her partner and I can see that she is going to lose because she is avoiding talking about the major issues, talking about her relationship with her partner, talking about how her actions hurt her partner and talking about her feelings/needs/wants/desires. And I can see it as clear as day is long and I can relate to it but I was not able to correct myself and my actions and it seems, neither is she. And it infuriates me!!! She is me: master of avoidance.

And this is not just something that I do in my relationship; I also do it around people. I know I can be charming and funny and sociable around the people I know and am comfortable with but it is very hard for me to come out of my shell with people I don’t know.  Except when I’m drunk. Then I’m just a hoot! NOT!  And even though in that moment I know I’m supposed to and SHOULD act differently, I can’t help myself.  I am who I am and I am trying to change, but can I truly do that? Can I get out of my way to help myself?

This is me trying to expose my head to the outside world and take responsibility of my failed relationship. I failed once…I don’t want to again.

Later and weekends!