Everybody who knows me knows that I’m kind of a lone wolf. I’ve never made friends easily and I’ve always enjoyed my time alone, my freedom to do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted. I’ve never had a large group of friends around me and I’ve always just had one best friend at a time. But for some reason I’ve never been able to hold on to those best friends. I don’t have a best friend who I’ve known since childhood who I still see regularly or who I call when things get rough. Or whom I confide in.
I think some of those friendships with my best friends have ended because of my jealousy issues. Before I even realized or accepted that I was a lesbian I was jealous of my girl friends when they found boyfriends and didn’t spent as much time with me anymore as they previously did. That’s obviously just the way it goes, it’s natural to want to be with your boy/girlfriend and spend as much time with them as possible. I’m not saying that I had a crush on any of my friends, because honestly there isn’t anyone in my life that I think that way about. Or have any regrets of them slipping by. Or something not happening or whatever. Had I realized who I was when I was a teenager I could have maybe saved a lot of friendships and focused my energy on finding a girlfriend and keeping my friendships as what they were, friendships. And it’s not like they could have understood what was going on with me since I didn’t understand what was going on.
I was bullied in elementary school. I developed earlier than most of my classmates and was made fun of because of it. I was betrayed by people I thought were my friends and who blabbered my business to others. Because of this I have hard time trusting people and I have abandonment issues. You get attached to someone and then they leave or betray you. Or both.
I rarely ask people for help. Asking for help or really asking for anything from anyone is really hard for me. It’s just easier to not ask than getting disappointed by them. I also don’t want inconvenience people. And when I do and people do what I ask of them or do me a favor it always surprises me. Like the girls from my SETA group all saying of course I can join them at the women’s party. Or people offering to get me something they know I really like. Regina sending me Dunkin Donuts, Gold fish and socks (I always had gold fish as a snack at school and when my foot was all fucked up and I couldn’t wear a shoe on it I was wearing all kinds of funny socks and it became a game in class…what kind of socks was I wearing that day). Gareth offering to send me British candy and searching for a soccer jersey for me on his family vacation in Wales. Elviira and Mikko feeding and hydrating me and listening me to babble on about T when I pretty much had nothing and no one to talk to and didn’t know which way to turn to (not to mention giving me all this furniture) and Marianne listening to me past her bedtime when I was maybe just a little bit tipsy. And Candice driving me around in Jersey making sure I got everything done that I needed to. And no one asks anything in return.
I lost my best friend in October. It’s been really hard since then because I also lost my girlfriend all at the same time. I can’t bitch about my girlfriend leaving me to my best friend because they were one and the same. She had a way of making me laugh like no other has before. Or since. She was the first and only person who made me want to be with another person. Who made me see that being alone wasn’t as much fun as I thought and that sharing my life with someone was far more fulfilling that being alone. I think it’s easier to be the one doing the dumping than be the one who’s being dumped because at least you’re prepared for it. You’re ready to move on.
These past couple of weeks have been hard. Last time this happened was when I was 3. That’s when my mom and dad divorced. This week I’ve been helping my mom clean her new apartment. She and my step dad are separating. And as much as I want my mom to be happy I’m also sad. And I am still not in a place where I can be strong for my mom. I’m still hurting from my own divorce and not in a place where I can see things clearly or give sound advice or be anyone’s sounding board. I have so many things to work through, to deal with my own problems that it’s really hard to deal with my mom’s break up. And even if it’s not from my dad (who wasn’t a dad or husband material), my step dad was part of my life for 24 years. And there’s also my brother. Who’s stronger than he’s given credit for but still he has to move from the only home he’s ever known and his parents are breaking up.
Since I moved to my own apartment I’ve been retreating into myself again. I’ve been pulling away from too much human contact and trying to work through my issues by myself. It feels good to be in silence and not have anybody around me telling what to do but at the same time, I’m also wondering how bad this is for me. I feel anxiety when people ask anything from me or if there are expectations on me. When my mom talks excitedly about her new apartment and everything that goes with it, the decorations, furniture etc, I can’t muster the excitement to answer or ask questions, I just tune out. I can’t help but wonder if T was that excited to move on after she left me and if she thought of me as dead weight that needed to be left behind. I really do want my mom to be happy and I understand that where’s she’s now isn’t what makes her happy but I can’t help but to draw the comparison. And I’m hurting all over again. I really thought I was doing better but this has shown me that I still have a long way to go. And my best friend isn’t here.
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