Merry Christmas!

I thought the tears were all dried already but as I'm preparing for this x-mas alone I find they're not. This is the first x-mas in 3 years that I'm not with Tiffany. And this was the x-mas that we were supposed to spend in Finland. Instead, we're broken up and I'm alone. And I can't lie, it stings more than a little that her family did not even bother to send me pictures of her nieces. I have pictures of Noah, Avery and Wyatt on my fridge...No Carly, no Adriana (Amanda said she's late which isn't surprising so Carly should be there next week). But I guess that's to be expected since I'm neither family nor a friend. And it's not like we're gonna pump into each other socially so it's easy to just ignore me. For new years I'll make a resolution to try to let it go. Why torture myself more than I absolutely have to?

So here's to a better 2011. Merry Christmas. Hope yours is better than mine.

Here's to my 2 month old freedom! Woo Hoo

May the rest of it be full of laughter and joy...and girls night(s)! WOO HOO! And girls...

Sounded convincing, didn't it? No? Well, I'll work on it. I am excited for the girls night though!

It's a vicious cycle!

Looking at the pictures of cats who are looking for a home....it's addicting! I really really WANT a cat or cats but until I find a job and can do everything for a cat that it deserves, I can't get one. I wanna be able to buy all the toys, scratch posts, food etc and make sure I have money for vet's appointments before I get a cat. And I most likely will take a kitten so I will need to have money for the neutering/sterilization... But I've been looking at the pictures for about a month now and it definitely is a vicious cycle. Once you start you can't stop. It consumes you! There are the websites where private citizens are advertising their cats. There are the national rescue organizations that advertise rescued/fostered cats and then there are the regional rescue centers advertising their cats! And every time you go on to their websites, there are new and cuter kittens looking for a home!

Before I went on any of these websites I was just thinking that I want a cat. Your basic finnish non-pedigree cat would be fine as long as they are cute to me. And I hate to say this because I LOVE cats and really want one but not all cats are cute. Or maybe I should say not all cats speak to me. I need to feel that bond with the cat and feel like that's the cat for me. And pictures can be deceiving, I know that. You don't see the personality of a cat from it's picture and even if they look like the perfect angels, they can be the cat from hell. So cuteness alone won't do. But it's a feeling you have to have. So now I'm kinda torn between your basic kitty versus a pedigree cat. I remember few years back Marianne telling me about rag dolls and how when her Milla dies years and years from now from old age, she'd like to get a rag doll. So when I started my research into kitties, I remembered her words and I had to check them out. And now I'm screwed. I kinda want to have a rag dolls and I kinda want to have a Birman! They are SO CUTE! and from what I've read, personalities couldn't be nicer. The only thing is, they cost a little more money that your basic kitty. The rescue organizations take about 80-120 euros for a cat depending on what all has been done (deworming, neutered/sterilized, microchip, vaccinations etc) and private people looking for a home for their cats/kittens take as little as 19 euros. The birmans and rag dolls though...go from somewhere around 350 to 800 euros! So my problem...Do I give in into my desperate desire to get a cat sooner rather than later and get your basic finnish kitty or do I try to control myself and  wait till I have enough money to get a birman or rag doll? Or 2? Because I would really like 2 just so that they have company. In a way now would be the perfect time to get a kitten because I'm home all the time and could get the kitty acclimated and make sure it doesn't shred my new furniture into pieces! But right now I don;t have money for it... I guess I just need to believe that this too will work itself out, somehow, someway.

The private people looking for a home for their kitties are funny sometimes. Reading their ads, they make the most outrageous demands sometimes. Some ask that there is another cat in the home so that they have company, some ask that the cat will be the only one. Some want to give away 2 of their cats to the same place so that they have company, some say there can't be dogs, kids, kids under 12 etc etc. One even said to send them an e-mail and to describe the living conditions  so that they can screen you! They said that they would pick the most suitable homes for their kittens! And I believe these were your basic Finnish kitties, not rag dolls, birmans, maine coons or anything like that! Crazy. Like I'm gonna audition for a cat! Believe me, when I finally get a cat, it's gonna be the most loved kitty in the world!

Now I should TRY to be productive and do something other than think/look/write about cats!
Later

Dear Santa

Here's my x-mas list. I've been a good girl but since we won't be celebrating x-mas this year, I doubt I'll get any of these. But if for some reason you will swing by my apartment, here are some things I would like and need.

Outside the obvious things that we won't mention I would like:

A cat or 2. It's great to have my own space and privacy but it can get lonely. A cat or 2 would make me feel just a little less lonely. I already have names picked out for them and they would receive ALL the love a cat can get. I would prefer Birman but will not kick out rag dolls either. I understand they are expensive and I wouldn't have imagined that I would pay (a lot of) money for a cat not so long ago but since the break up I've had to re-evaluate a lot of things so if you can't get me one, I understand. I will wait till I can pay for them. No worries.

I need speakers for my computer and iPods. One of those docks would be great, maybe with an alarm clock but any kind of a speaker that can make it easier for me to listen to my music whether from my computer or iPod would be appreciated. I have my iCat in the storage in Jersey and I just sold mine because I thought I wouldn't need them so now I'm kinda screwed.

A bedside lamp. My Moscow 1980 Olympics lamp is fried and caused my bedroom to smell like smoke for days so I don't think it can be used anymore. Sad because it is and was a great lamp. It would be useful is all I'm saying.

Super Mario DS or WII. For whatever reason they are the same price (expensive) and I always said when I get a job I'd like to get a DS for my commute. Well, if I get the job from across the street the commute doesn't really require a  DS but I love Super Mario...and WII would always be useful. I showed them to Arttu but I can't see him buying them for me when I can't afford to get him anything. And besides, It is not necessary.

Plane tickets to NYC to go get my stuff. How am I supposed to move on if I have to worry about my stuff and visit there?

Flat screen TV.

Dishwasher. I can't have one in this apartment because there's no room for it but I HATE doing dishes. I hate touching dishes that are under dirty water and I hate my prune hands after I've done the dishes. It's just NOT for me.

Washing machine. That I could have here and it would make my life easier than going to my parents and washing my 2 shirts there.

Patience. I used to have it. Right now with my own shit I just don't have the patience for other people's crap. I feel like I'm about to burst and not in a good way and there's nothing I can do about it. I need to be able to get over the hurt, anger and sadness and move on. To listen to other people's worries and really be able to focus on it/them.

Peace of mind. I know who I am and what I want and I used to know where I was going. I had a clear plan and path but it was derailed. And now it's all foggy. Graduation from MSU, a job, a work visa, life with Tiffany...Where I'm heading right now is a mystery and I don't like it. I used to think that as long as I have Tiffany in my life, the other things will work themselves out. Well...

I thought that was enough but...I do need Sheets, towels and other every day stuff so if you need more ideas, just ask!

Later!

Casa Kemppi is open for visitors!

So the move was a week ago and I still have few things to put into place but overall I've settled in. Furniture is in place, kitchen is done and bedroom is getting there. This is really cool apartment and I'm so happy I got it. It's weird being alone and having so much room but I'm sure I will get used to it. Now I just need a job and everything would be...ok.

As I've ben unpacking my stuff I've noticed how much I dragged with me to USA. And it's awesome to notice how much I invested in our life together. We bought stuff for our kitchen that is now in Brooklyn probably gathering dust un-used. We bought a whole set of towels and I'm realizing I have 2 sets here. We bought sheets and I'm realizing I don't have any here. I had to get an under sheet from my mom because I didn't have any. Picture frames, coasters, little niknaks...all there. And let's not forget about my clothes! This would be a great situation for a shopaholic if I had money to go buy new stuff. But I don't so I am trying to get by with what little I have and hopefully be able to go get mine from BK soon. But hey, I can't really mess up the place because there's not much stuff to displace!

I thought my interview went well and for once my unemployment might be working FOR me instead of against me. Work is waiting for someone to do it and they want the person to start ASAP. I told them I could have started last Wednesday. And my education and experience from the environmental companies in Forssa should come in handy. BUT, I haven't heard anything yet. The last day to apply was on Tuesday, the day I interviewed so they might be interviewing more people next week. But I feel quite confident about this.  Forssa isn't necessarily my first choice but there's nothing waiting for me out there in the big wide world now so I might as well settle down for a few and regroup. And the job seems very exciting and challenging. Earlier this fall I did say I would slash my wrists if I was still in Forssa on my 31st birthday so I might have to take that back. If I'm unemployed by my 31st b-day, then all bets are off!

Arttu gave me his PS2 and I was playing some Guitar Hero yesterday. Same game I had for WII so I know the songs...I think he has 2 or 3 different so I can learn new ones as well. The bad thing about it though is that it gives me a tunnel vision. Afterwards for awhile it affects my line of vision and I need to chill.

I had to go exchange my last dollars today. Interests for my loans need to be paid on the 15th and I have to have 900 euros on my account and I was little short so it had to be done. It's sad but what can you do?

I went to Euromarket's clearance sale today with a list of things I needed for my apartment...my list was shorten by 1 item and I couldn't find the other stuff. But I came home with 2 bags of stuff! I bought food which was 20% off so that's good but the other stuff just wanted to come home with me. And I bought some make up. If I really am single (yikes) I guess I should at some point put myself out there. Not any time soon but I should be ready, right? Be prepared? Although putting myself out there in Forssa is probably a waste of time, money, energy and effort. Sigh...I don't wanna be single.

I will leave you with this depressing topic. I had more on my mind while I was out but can't remember what it was anymore. Getting old I guess.

You are all welcome to come see my new place. Just call first so that I will know you are coming and can make sure you are not some fee collector. Cuz I might or might not have paid a fee that's required by law and I don't want anyone knocking on my door or more specifically I don't want to open the door for a collector so if I don't know you are coming, I won't open my door! And that would just suck now wouldn't it?

Have a great weekend and go buy bags from my mom at the x-mas market this weekend! Later

Kingdom of Kemppi

Obviously the name needs tweaking but I'm declaring my own sovereign kingdom (or queendom) and have come up with a 5 and 10 year plans, just like Soviet Union did once upon a time. This does not include work camps or rides to Siberia if you don't follow my plan, it is just a vision for me, myself and I. Since I am the queen and the only resident, the only one suffering because of this is me.

Since my life hasn't exactly been going according to plan or the way I wanted/wished it would lately, I am just listing some things I want to happen in the future. Happiness, job, health, love, money are obvious choices so I won't go into detail on those all that much. These are just things I want to do before it's too late. Most important thing is personal happiness and it would be nice if that could be achieved in a short period of time but I know it's a process and I have things to work on before that's possible.

1. I would like to go to as many major sports venues as possible. I would LOVE to experience World Cup in person but since the next 3 are in Brazil, Russia and Qatar, I don't really have major interest of going any of those countries plus it could get really expensive. If St. Petersburg has games, maybe then. I would have loved to do this while I was still relatively young but if 2026 the games are in a country where I want to go, then maybe I will. This probably requires a sports nut partner but I can go alone too, not a problem.

I want to experience Euro tournament. Would be nice if Finland could qualify but it's not necessary. I can cheer for England or Holland or any number of other countries.

I want to go see another Manchester United game at Old Trafford. Awesome team, awesome stadium and decades of tradition. They don't call it the Theater of Dreams for nothing!

I want to go to another Winter Olympic hockey tournament. It's unlikely that I will ever see a match like that between Finland and Sweden in Torino final but it was a great experience.

I want to go see Finland play in a Ice hockey World Championship tournament. 2012 and 13 when the games are in Finland, I'll be there!

2. I want to travel. After I got a job we were supposed to go to Disney World. Doesn't look like that's happening but I can still make it on my own. It probably is better to do it with someone though. I doubt that even the happiest place on earth can erase loneliness.

I want to go to Hawaii. I've always wanted to, almost went to work there for a summer 7 years ago but visa prevented it. I know it's a tourist trap and expensive as hell these days but there's something magical about that place.

I'd like to go to a cruise around Caribbean. Another thing we were supposed to do but didn't. Another thing that should be done with someone else. There are a lot of other places I'd like to go too but those were the major ones for now.

In a short term I want to go visit my friend Maria in Madrid and experience Spain. And maybe Amsterdam in April

3. I want to learn how to live in the moment. It is a hard art form to master but something that is crucial to enjoying your life. For the past year my focus has been on finding a job and not being kicked out of USA. We put off so many things because I thought we'd have the time to do them later and now it's too late. In retrospect I think it's important to celebrate each occasion/birthday/achievement when you can because you never know when it all will change and then it's too late. We didn't celebrate my graduation because I wanted to save it for when I got a job and we could go to Disney or a cruise and I could get a kitten. Well, guess what? Too late now. Right now I might be living in the past and the shoulda coulda woulda's don't help but you should live your life in a way that there won't be any regrets. Do the things you want when you want and can and don't put off things because it's not a good time now. That tomorrow might never come so enjoy your today's while you can. I think that will be in the constitution of Kingdom of Kemppi.

From now on I will try to enjoy my life and do the things I want. No more putting life on hold because of stupid reasons. This is all easier said than done but I will try my hardest.

Later

It's gonna be a good day!

I'M MOVING TODAY!!! Need I say more? I'll be sleeping in my own bed in my own apartment tonight! All though the picture in my mind of my apartment, except for the TV in the living room which is Arttu's, ALL the furniture will be coming from Elviira and Mikko! With a little refurbishing from my mom. I think my computer will be the only thing there that  is mine and I bought that second hand! OMG, I'm turning into a recycler! Or re-user... which ever...

I have appointment at 11, then more packing and finishing, going to get the van, go to Elviira and Mikko's to get the furniture that's there, going to my apartment and dropping them off, coming here to get the rest of the stuff, going back to my apartment, unloading and returning the van, all before 6pm. Awesome! After that it's unpacking time! I have a feeling that I'll be crashing HARD tonight!

Busy day people! Later!

I have a new favorite person!

Due to the me-someone else client-social worker confidentiality agreement, I cannot name any names or go into detail but all I can say is that when I've needed some boost, this person has been awesome! And whatever I say about Finnish social security system and bureaucracy, there are some people out there who are actually doing a great job. and if I could nominate them for worker of the year-award, I would! Forssa has a bad rep for no reason!

The friend of the year awards goes to Elviira. Although there is a month left in the crappy 2010 so it's not set in stone. It's only about 99,9% certain. But bribery gets you anywhere!

Since I'm in such a good mood right now, I am gonna go get those fries and electric stimulation therapy equipment! Enjoy the frozen tundra and the low lying yellow ball in the sky, at least for the few hours it's still visible!

Dentist

As per Sunday's tradition, I watched football until 1am since the Eagles had a 11pm game, my time. I watched the start of the 3rd quarter and then thought I have an early morning, I can't stay up too too late. I had alarm go off at 6:45 and for the second time at 7am just to make sure I got up. I had my coffee, ate a little and put the required 700 layers of clothing on to be able to go outside. My appointment was supposed to be at 8am but 7:40 I get a phone call...can we re-schedule? And it wasn't like it got re-scheduled later this week or even next month, it is now in January together with my other 3 appointments! Awesome! They have a policy for missing appointment without notifying them, you need to pay about 35 euros. Is my next appointment free if THEY re-schedule my appointment? Especially 20 min before it's supposed to start? If I should do that, I have a feeling it would be a little too short of a notice time for them! I was pissed especially since I was so warm and cozy in bed. But very happy that I didn't have to go out there. I still might have to go outside today but I'm not sure. I had a major craving for Hese fries and mayo at 7am and it hasn't gone away yet. And I might have to go out and buy a PT electric shock/stimulation thingy do for my back. After my move on Friday I am sure my back will be screaming and not from joy so that would be good to have.

Speaking of my move...I still have few details to figure out but apparently the apartment has been cleared, they just haven't handed in the keys yet. I can hopefully get them on Wednesday and then the move's on Friday. I can't wait! Although I am not happy if it stays this cold till the end of the week. It's not gonna be pretty! Couple of lost fingers and toes later...

Keep yourselves warm out there! Later!

Let's keep this short

I have so much to write about but I'm kinda over it but in the spirit of keeping my 3 readers up-to-date on what's going on in my life, here we go:

1. I'm moving next Friday. The building was my first choice in Forssa so something's going my way! It's a one bedroom apartment and I think it will be awesome! Elviira and Mikko donated me some of their old furniture and they are also gonna be my moving help along with my family. Much appreciated guys!

2. I have a job interview on the 7th for project manager job. It's few months with the possibility for it to continue till next fall, if funding comes through. It's 100m from my apartment so it would be a rough commute to work each day but if they pay me enough I guess I could suffer it for a few! ;-)

3. Happy Birthday Mikko!

4. Elviira is making me blueberry pie on our independence day and I believe it'll be the final straw that'll make sure I get the job! And if not, I guess we will have to continue this until I get a job. Me getting blueberry pie the day before interview, not necessarily only on independence day!

5. It's is COLD! I mean COLD! and my winter clothes are still in Brooklyn! Gotta love me some idiotic me! It was very important to have many shorts and T-shirts for the month that it was actually warm in Finland after I get back instead of thinking ahead to the future for the cold winter. I couldn't have seen the break up though so I guess I shouldn't kick myself too hard. I mean I thought I'd have a job by now and could have gone there for a long weekend or something...and get more of my stuff from there.

6. I'm still waiting for my lottery win! I will be a lottery winner some day, I know it! In the meantime...

7.I'm still addicted to Grey's anatomy and will try to live by: the world is your oyster, make lemonade! Even though I don;t think I like either...but others might enjoy the lemonade so I'll offer it to someone. And lime's can be used for Corona's and guacamole.

8. I have a cat fever. And it's not just because I miss Sox and B and their company during the day. I guess in a way me having something that would sort of tie me to Finland will make this break up and me staying in Finland/Europe for awhile more real. Like not talking to Tiffany every day doesn't make it real but this would be a concrete touchable thing...my cat! I have been on websites that have cats looking for homes. OYG! there are some cuties out there and they are just waiting for me to come get them! As soon as I get my finances in order I am adopting a cat! or 2. I will keep you updated.

9. I love smoked fish! There was a fish seller at the Joulutori today and my mom brought some rye bread with her and bought some smoked salmon. It is heaven on earth! mmmmm! Even though I miss some american foods and customs, there are some awesome finnish foods that I couldn't find in USA. I have been taking advantage as much as I can, first because I thought maybe I would be going back and now just for the hell of it! Life's short, make lemonade!

10. I have some interesting readers out there. Or places where they pop up. I have someone from Russia reading my blog and I'd like to know how people end up here. I guess it would be too much to ask to have them introduce themselves. The reoccurring ones I'd like to know how they ended up on my blog BUT you don't have to... and welcome! and please come back! At some point I noticed that if people googled Päivi Räsänen and gay rights and Finland, my blog was quite high up there! And for some reason people are still googling Jenny Sheckter and my blog apparently pops up there too. I'd still want to know though: who killed her?

11. Adriana is turning into a cutie pie! All I see is few pictures here and there on FB but she is starting to look like herself. She was a one month old when I left so I will not see her in person again and she was just a baby then but she is starting to look like her and you can see Johnny in her. Or I think she is looking like Johnny. Maybe little bit like Tiffany. And maybe she has some Carly in her too. I don;t see so much JoJo in her yet. I might be wrong though. Carly is just as cute as she was in the summer and she is gonna be a stunner! I miss them. But like I said, Adriana will never know that I was in her life and Carly will forget soon enough.

12. I need to either win this week on Fantasy Football or have one of 3 people lose and I'll secure my place in the play offs! Go Illegal Gayliens! Speaking off...gotta check out my line up one more time!

Later!

It's been an interesting week

Will tell you all about it another time, but now it's time to have some quality time with my brother and open up a bottle of cider!

Later!

Way to screw that up!

And that's all I'm gonna say about that!

Dear Santa

I've survived the first month. It hasn't been easy and I don't expect it to anytime soon but the random crying bursts have subsided for the most part. The hardest part so far has been the distance, the silence. Not being able to talk every day. And letting go of the future. That's hard. Every day there is something to remind me of something I wanted from our future but can't have anymore. The normal things you want with your partner. Your nieces knowing who you are...I look at the pictures of Adriana and get so sad because we will never get to know each other. I see a picture of Carly and get so sad because I will never get to know what she's gonna be like when she grows up. And she'll soon forget all about me. Nenni will just be a distant memory for her. I miss Sox and Bailey and their antics, taking over the bed in the middle of the night, cuddling with them, Sox acting all malnourished and yelling like she's never seen any food. Bailey hiding under pillows or in the litter box during storms...and T. This will get even harder as x-mas comes closer...As stressful as american x-mas can be with the million people you should give gifts to, it was also awesome family celebration. To me and T x-mas meant running around from one branch of her family to another, but nonetheless it was good times. And I will miss our eggnog ritual. And I just got my own stocking last year...unheard of!

I wrote to santa on facebook. Told him I've been a good girl and know that job and money are not something he can give me (seems that nobody can) but I could use a kitty cat or a kitten. I need the company and the love. And therapy. So if I could get a cat for x-mas, I'd be happy. I really want a cat since I lost my step kids. Those 2 were and are the best kitties in the world. So that's all....a kitty or 2. Maybe just 1 for now. Thank You.

My couch has a home

So the quest to find an apartment is almost over. Now I need to make a decision between 2 places. Should I move across the street to a familiar building or should I move to Koulukatu to my first choice apartment? Both have good sides...if I move across the street, I can come over anytime for sauna... the apartment is spacious enough and in good shape. The only thing about it is that it's little bit more money than what I'd like to pay, especially since I still don't have a job and I'm not sure what benefits I will get from Kela and social services.

The apartment in Koulukatu is about 20-30 euros cheaper but I don't know what kind of a shape it's in. The previous tenant died and his kids are still emptying it so I wasn't able to go see it and I might not be able to until sometime next week. What to do Nenni? What to do? The location is ideal, it's right next to the city center, all the stores, services etc... if I get a job from another city I can just take the bus and commute for awhile...it's about 5 minutes from my parents so I can still come over for sauna and if I get the job from FSKK it would be across the street from my office! hehehe... But I haven't heard anything from them so I guess I wasn't chosen. But anyway... What should I do?

Me and Arttu had our semi-monthly/quarterly/whatever brother sister bonding time last night over drinks.  We covered all kinds of topics and ended up discussing religion...and Indiana Jones movies! But the discussions let to Arttu giving up his membership of the lutheran church...when we got home he went to the website and resigned! Awesome! I asked him if he wanted to have a church wedding and he said no so there really isn't any reason to stay on. I just love my brother. He's awesome.

I think I had some other issues I wanted to talk about but can't remember them right now so I guess the only thing left to say is... good luck Tiffany on your IntenSati leader training. Kick ass and enjoy!

Later

oh yeah...Finland plays San Marino at home today in the Euro2012 qualifications...since it's a meeting between 2 teams that have 0 points from these qualifications so far and since Finland has SUCKED ASS the past 3 games...I spent 1 euro on San Marino winning this. If Finland wins, I only lose a euro...If we lose, I'll get my money back 50 times over so I thought this was good low cost bet with high reward return on my money. We obviously want Finland to win but...in case they don't, I can get some money out of it! Now who said I wasn't a patriot? LOL!

Church elections

Aahh, after all the gay talk, Päivi Räsänen and the church versus gays, the church election were held yesterday. Apparently there are some people in my family who were elected. My cousin was the most votes-getting person in Humppila and I am not 100% sure but I think her brother was elected from Forssa.  17,5% of people eligible to vote voted. Shows how important this election was for the Finns. Less than 20% of the little less than 5 million people who could have voted, actually showed up and voted. But hey, it was up from the 14% it was last time so it was a success. And as the candidates and the church announced, only by being a member and voting you can make a difference in the church! Right. About 15% of the Finns care about what happens in the church... Over 80% of Finns are members but only 17,5 of them cared enough to vote. I find it very interesting.

btw, my cousin got 40 votes. The 40 votes she had were the most in her town. 40 votes. Interesting. SUPER important election. SUPER.

It'll all work itself out

As I was walking to the grocery store today I was thinking that is there a fixed amount of "it'll work itself out" per person? If for a long time things just fell into place and then all of a sudden they don't anymore and no matter what you do you don't seem to get a break, is it because you ran out of "it'll all work itself out"?

After high school I wanted to go to law school but didn't have the time, discipline or will power to study for the entrance exams so I followed my best friend to Hämeenlinna and went to a business school for a year. The plan was to go to school for a year and study for the entrance exams. Uh huh. After the year was over I knew I didn't want to continue the second year so I moved to Helsinki, cleaned for the summer and found a place in Wales to go work as an Au Pair. That gig was for 5 months after which the family moved back to Finland and I was left to look for another gig. I found one in England and worked there till the end of July when I came back to Finland to start my studies in Tampere.

When I was studying in Tampere, we had to have 1 year of practical training which basically meant we had to work through our summers and then in our 3rd year we had 6 months to work as well. The first 2 summers I was able to go back to Wales and volunteer for an environmental conservation groups. For the final 6 months I went to work for our local waste management company. I've never been an environmentally conscious person and the reason why I studied to become environmental engineer was because I wanted to study in English and that was the only other subject matter taught in english beside business and nursing...so when it was time for me to decide on what my final thesis would be about, I went back to the waste management company to see if they could help me with ideas or projects. And they could. I started working for them in January of 2005, 5 months before graduation doing my thesis and other work they needed me to do. I stayed there after graduation, the environmental engineer gets pregnant, they need someone to cover for her...I meet Tiffany, we fall in love, I want to move to USA, I save money, I find a school, move there and the rest is history. I didn't work during my first year there but was able to find a job through Domenica who had been coordinating the entertainment and happenings for the international students...only for my boss to leave and Domenica to take over for her. It all worked itself out until graduation. After that I wasn't eligible to work for the school anymore, my money was gone, we couldn't pay the rent for our B-ville apartment and we had to move to Brooklyn which Tiffany just hated. I wasn't able to find a job, my visa ran out, I had to leave the country and we broke up.

Is my bad fortune now pay back for the good fortune I had before? Is my quota of it'll work itself out gone? Will it go back to zero for the next decade? Should I just wait the 2010 out and start fresh next year? Will I start with a good fortune and go back to bad towards the end of the next decade? Or will it start with bad and turn around at some point?

Or is it maybe that if something doesn't work itself out, it's because it wasn't meant to be? I've been broke for a year and a half...does this mean I really don't need money? My job situation always kinda fell into place...does this year and a half without one mean that I'm not meant to have one? Maybe I'm just meant to be unemployed and instead of bitching and moaning about it I should embrace it? Take it easy, let loose, enjoy my life and not worry so much? Qe sera, sera, whatever will be, will be...

The apartment situation seems to be working itself out....well, I do need to do some work to get it but there seem to be places available... so why is the job so difficult? But not to worry, 2010 is almost over and next year and decade will be mine. I thought this one was too until October 21 hit. But hey, it'll all work itself out.

And the cycle might be completed

In my search for a place to live in I went to see couple of apartments today. The first one was a studio, 29m2... only 3 m2 smaller than the one I lived in before moving to USA but seemed like a closet. I know I don't have a lot of money and am not really in a position to complain or be choosy but that was way too small.

Earlier this week I e-mailed the landlord of the row homes across the street from my parents house. She said they don't have any studios but they do have 1 bedroom apartments and that we could discuss my situation today when she has office hours in the building, so off to meet her I went. She showed me 3 different places and we agreed that I'd take one of them if I don't hear back from the city by next week. The apartment I would move into is next to the apartment where we lived when I was born! We (me and my mom) thought it was the same one but now that I think about the layout I don't think it's the same after all. But, if I move in there, it would be the 5th place on this same street that I've live in! Can't seem to get away from this street! Other than this street, I've lived on 2 different places in Forssa. I've also lived in 2 places in Tampere, 1 in Hämeenlinna, 1 in Helsinki, 5 places in around UK and 4 places in USA... If home is where the heart is, I wonder where my home is now then?

So, to conclude my almost exciting post, keep your fingers crossed for good news next week!

Not helping

Why is it that when people break up their friends and family and acquaintances feel the need to offer opinions and advices that are really not helping? If you say your heart is broken they will say it'll pass before you know it. Not helping. If you say you just broke up they say good riddance. Not helping. They ask you after 2 weeks if you're still heart broken about it? Seriously? If you say your trying to get used to the idea of not being together they say go get yourself a 19 year old and enjoy. Are you kidding me? For the past 5 years she has been a major part of my life and that doesn't just go away. People telling me or her that we are better off without each other is not helping. There is a lot of mourning in front of us and people belittling our relationship is NOT helping. Little space, time and respect would be nice. I do not need a new relationship or one night stand or whatever to get better and get over it. I do not need people telling me that it'll be ok and I'll be better for it. What I need is a job a year ago, a green card and a house by the beach but that didn't happen so now I'm playing with the cards I was dealt with. Unfortunately that means no Tiffany. I'll deal with it on my own on my own time. When I'm over it I'll let you know. In the meantime, I'd appreciate no stupid advice or questions, thank you.

I miss you

Until I was 25 I didn’t know who I was. Then I hear music and I see a picture  on TV and all of a sudden I know who I am. I know what was different about me and everything makes sense. I meet a girl and my life makes sense. I fall in love and it all makes sense. I know who I am. The love songs make sense even though they are about a boy and a girl. The love stories make sense even though they are about a boy and a girl. Everything around me makes sense even though they’re about a boy and a girl. My story is not about a boy and a girl but I can understand their feelings, their love, and their excitement.

Tiffany is the most amazing person you’ll ever meet. She has a kind, big heart and she takes care of people. She seems tough and she doesn’t let people in easily and she doesn’t let people know that she has a soft side but deep down she has the biggest heart I’ve ever known and she is and will help a lot of people.

She has a larger than life personality. One thing I’ve always admired about her is the way she attracts people. I’m nothing like her, I’m a wallflower but she has a way about her that attracts people. When ever she enters a room people flock towards her. She is funny and kind and she’s someone that you just wanna be around. She has a way of making you feel like you’re the most important person in her life, and for a couple of years I had the honor of being that person. The most important person in her life. My life was better with her in it. My life was bright and shiny and fun. She has a way of making everything and anything fun. She could make the most mundane story to sound like the most exciting thing on earth. I couldn’t wait to get her home after work so I could hear all about her day. And I wasn’t and am not the only one. Whenever there was a family function people were going to her to tell their problems and to listen to her tell her stories and get advice. Same with her friends. Everybody just flock to her…she has a way about her that cannot be explained. And for a short period of time I was somebody. I was with her…I was the girl she was with so I must have been somebody too. I was worth her love so I must have been somebody.

My world is silent and dark and humorless now. There are no more stories. There’s no more joy. There are no more funny stories how she fell asleep on the subway on some tall Chinese man’s shoulder.  There are no more updates on how her family is. There are no more stories on how our cats are. There are no more stories on how Carly and Adriana are doing. There are no more stories on what she wants from her life. There are no more jokes. It’s all dark.

I don’t know how to communicate. I blew it and I can’t fix it even though I want it so bad. I want my girlfriend back. I want my best friend back. I want my soul mate back. I want the love of my life back. I know I can’t have it but that’s what I want.

I made her the center of my universe and I always knew that’s not what you are supposed to do. You’re supposed to have your own life outside your relationship so that you can co-exist in your relationship but also need your own life and own interests for yourself. I let my friendships die or I didn’t nurture them when I moved to USA. I let my Finnish friends go because I made Tiffany the center of my universe and now I am paying the price for it. I have few amazing friends who are doing their very best to make me feel better but they have their own lives and I can’t butt in or expect them to drop everything for me. For 5 years Tiffany was my best friend, my partner, my better half and she got me. She got my sense of humor which is not easy to do. I’m sarcastic, I’m not PC and I can have pretty harsh sense of humor but she got it. She might not always agree with me 100% but she got me. She got my sense of humor and she got my point of view even if she didn’t agree with me. Now there’s no more laughter, there’s no more joy. There’s no sense of humor. There’s no fun. I miss her so bad. There’s nobody else in this world that’s like her and I’m afraid I will never meet another person who got me like she did.  Who made me laugh so hard. You can never underestimate the power of laughter and the power of people getting your sense of humor. You cannot underestimate the power of having fun together.

I’m limited in what I can do and I wish I wasn’t aware of it. I wish I was one of those people who didn’t realized there are things they could have done but didn’t. And now it’s too late. I lost my partner, I lost my best friend and I lost my soul mate. My world is cold and dark and there’s no more laughter.  I don’t know what the future has in store for me but I hope it’s not this painful.

The one thing I have going for me

Fiction! Let's ruin that too!

Since Tiffany broke up with me 2 weeks ago I have escaped to the land of fiction. TV to be exact. Grey's anatomy...my favorite and only lesbian TV couple was giving me hope that maybe, just maybe it was possible to get back together after being broken up and be happy and live happily ever after...well, that lasted all of 7 episodes. Thank you so much for ruining that for me too. Well, my eye candy is still there so at least I have that...whatever it takes to get true these days...whatever it takes. You cope however you can and maybe one day it won't hurt so much.

Since fiction and real life are totally different, let's go back to my crappy life.

Shoes

Instead of getting a phone call today, I got an e-mail saying I have not been chosen to be interviewed on Friday for a job that was created ME in mind. Well, the requirements were about me anyway. If I can't get a job that I meet all the requirements for, what kind of job can I get then? I guess I was destined to be a cleaner. Or unemployed. Live from the handouts the government gives us, poor people. At least I can continue with my Grey's Anatomy marathon. And I can go help Elviira and Mikko move on Friday if they still need me. And go to my appointment on Friday. And hey, Celeste doesn't need to buy me those shoes just yet! If ever...

The list of how much people made last year is out in the open and there was a 2 page story on the local newspaper about the best earners in the area last year. I wasn't included in that...I wonder why? I said to my mom that it must be terrible to be on that list in a small town like this where everybody knows everybody and everybody is jealous of everybody. To have your finances public knowledge like that... people must have lot of new friends.

Since I didn't make the papers on that account, maybe I can make it by going to meet Päivi Räsänen tomorrow. She's gonna be in the new supermarket tomorrow, meeting people, trying to fish for votes...I don't think Forssa is big supporter of the Christian democratic party but who knows? Maybe she can get the homophobes to vote for her party. I don't think any good would come from me meeting her in this state of mind so I am gonna stay home and hope that there's another person in the area ready and willing to fry her. I might just be in the papers on Thursday if our paths crossed!

So there's an election in the states right now...from what I can understand, the Democrats are going to lose some seats. It's a shame that so many people can be persuaded to vote for Republicans by their hate spewing propaganda and that the political memory is so short term. It was republicans who made it possible for the economic recession to take place and people think that it can be reversed in short amount of time. Change for the worse is always quick, change for the better takes time. But who am I to care anymore? They can go all tea party right wing fundamentalist religious on themselves, see if I care? Let's put all the gays back in the closet, or better yet, why not out everybody like they do in Uganda? All the gays on newspaper with their names and pictures. Let's strip them from any basic human rights and convert them back into nice obedient catholics. Who cares if they can get married? Who cares if they can't sponsor their foreign partners? Who cares?

Palin, Palin 2012 for president! Scary...

Daily dose of radiation

Oh, the day that I've been waiting for is finally here. You get poked, pinched, pulled and blown at and you leave with the feeling of guilt. They make you feel so guilty, just like when you were a kid. Although it was great back then, as soon as you left you bragged about it to your friends and competitors... Those who didn't have any, didn't understand. And it was a great way to get out of school. What am I talking about? The dentist, of course!

I made my appointment months ago and today was the lucky day. Public dental care is great, they are my best friends forever! Only bad thing is the waiting time but who cares? It's cheap and great! I do not miss the shark from Brooklyn who took $75-150 PER cavity or $400-600 for a root canal and who left my tooth blue! I may not see the insides of a dentist's office till late next January, but I'll take it when the most you have to pay per cavity is 40 euros! Root canal was about 60 euros and surgical removal of a tooth was about 60-75 euros. (We will not discuss the number of cavities I have or the fact that I may have to have my wisdom tooth taken out).  I was trying to figure out how I'm gonna pay for my loan interests, my other bills, look for an apartment, pay for tickets to NYC to go get my stuff AND pay for all these procedures but I forgot how much less expensive the dental services are here. And besides...I don't have to worry about having that money anytime soon so I can win the lottery in the meantime for all I know! Or get a job...like the one that called today!

Just got off the phone with the ISS people. It's a job that was written about ME, at least as far as the requirements are concerned! She said they got over 200 applications, chose 10 for initial phone interviews, one of which was ME (!!!) and will call tomorrow if I'm in the final 5 they want to interview on Friday! So I might be going to Vantaa on Friday. But like with everything else in my life, let's not celebrate too early. I might just get an e-mail instead...

I won the lottery TWICE last week! Can you believe it? I made a wish list and it came through! Well parts of it anyway. Still waiting on the rest. But who can say they've been this lucky? I do need to specify my wishes though...I want the big main win, not the small ones. But I won't say no to the small ones either.

To go back to the dentist again...Why is it that a grown woman still feels guilty and ashamed after a dentist appointment? I think it's a course they take at school, "How to make your customer feel like crap 101". Seriously.
Dentist: You have a lot of cavities!
Jenni: I know.
D: Do you use dental floss?
J: No, but I use the small between teeth brush.
D: Do you wash with fluoride or use other mouth washes?
J: No.
D: Do you use Xylitol gum after you eat.
J: YES! (I'm doing something right!!!)
D: Well maybe it was time you started to think about what you are doing at home and what you eat and drink...and start doing those preventive measures at home so that you wouldn't have to see us so often.
J: Yeah, I should.

So, off to the store I go to get floss and mouth wash!

Learn from my mistakes people!

Halloween

Took a little walk today too and iCats was just as bad today as it was yesterday. I was too mad though to get misty eyed over it. Today I feel like hitting the crap out of someone. Body combat class would be awesome right about now...

This time last year I was dressed as Betty Rubble and Tiffany was Pebbles Flinstone...we went over to Billy and Amanda's to see Carly who was dressed up as a fish...the picture of Tiffany and Carly all dressed up was my wallpaper for a long time...it's gone now. Like everything else in my life. Afterwards we went to Tiffany's dads to hang out with her little sisters and we went trick or treating with them and their friends. Carly was just the cutest.

This will be Adriana's first halloween and I won't be there to see it. I'm sure JoJo has her in something fabulous. I asked Amanda what Carly was gonna be this year and was told she's a ladybug. She said she'll post pictures on FB so I can see. Can't wait!

So happy halloween people!

Music

I either have a horrible taste in music or my iCats is seriously screwing with my head. When you're going through tough times, music is supposed to help you. When you're going through happy times, music makes it even better. I guess I'm an exception, at least when it comes to going through tough times. I really doubt there's many songs that would make me feel better right now, if there are any songs like that, but seriously, WTF?

I walked to Prisma today to buy some stuff and I thought it would be good idea to play some music while I'm walking. These are the songs that were playing ON SHUFFLE:

It started with american pie by Madonna..."this will be the day that I die...this will be the day that I die". Awesome start, can't go wrong with that. From what? Broken heart? I guess it's pretty useless? Get hit by a car? Hämeentie is pretty  busy and dangerous...

Next up was "where do I begin" from the The L word soundtrack...double wham right there! The L word brought us together and the song goes "where do I begin to tell the story of how great a love can be. The sweet love story that is older than it seems, he simple truth about the love he brings to me. Where do I start?" NEXT!

Then it was Christina Aguilera's Candyman...wasn't feeling it so I moved on...

Then came Sheryl Crow's All I wanna do..."All I wanna do is have some fun, I gotta feeling I'm not the only one." Yeah, fun would be nice right about now...how, when, where and what is the question.

Next up came Sarah McLachlan's Song for a winters night from a x-mas album. X-mas is not gonna be fun this year, I won't see my nieces open their presents, it's Adriana's first x-mas, we were supposed to spend it here with my family for the first time and now it's cancelled... and the song goes "The lamp is burning low upon my table top, snow is softly fallin. The air is still in the silence of my room. I hear your voice softly calling. If I could only have you near, to breathe a sigh or two. I would be happy just to hold the hands I love on this winter's night with you". I think it's time to move on now...I don't wanna be all puffy eyed while in the store so it's time to shut the thing off. On my way home these are the songs that were playing. We started with Natasha Bedingfield and I bruise easily

"my skin is like a map where my heart has been. And I can't hide the marks but it's not a negative thing. So I let down my guard, drop my defenses down by my clothes. I'm learning to fall with no safety net to cushion the blow. I bruise easily so be gentle when you handle me. there's a mark you leave like a love heart carved on a tree. I bruise easily can't scratch the surface without moving me. Underneath I bruise easily, I bruise easily. I found your finger prints on a glass of wine. Do you know you're leaving them all over this heart of mine too?" I think it's time to move on now.

Seal and Santana take the stage with you are my kind: "Stay with me baby, that's all I ask of you. I know that someday you won't remember the way that this moment feels to you. Don't let it go, don't turn your back on what you think you know, you never know. Don't leave it alone, 'cause I need you cling to. Cause you are my kind, you're all that I want here in this life until we're gone. Our breath and our skin, our hearts and our minds. They're one and the same, you are my kind. Well call on me baby if you should ever need someone to help get your head straight. I'll be your resident all night sure I'm glad just having you around. All that I know when you find love you never let it go. You never know, you know. Without you I'm lost, I get scattered, I'm shattered"

Next up Madonna and I'd be surprisingly good for you from Evita...Just hearing the music...NEXT!

We go to Take That and million love songs... "million love songs later here I'm trying to tell you that I care. Million love songs later here I am." Any song that has the words Love song in it let alone in the title will be FF'd!

After that we give the stage to Ricky martin and Christina Aguilera: Here you are in a darken room, all alone looking out the window. You're heart is cold and lost the will to love like a broken arrow. Here I stand in the shadow, come to me come to me can't you see that Nobody wants to be lonely, nobody wants to cry. My heart is longing to hold you so bad it hurts inside. Time is precious and it's slipping away and I've been waiting for you all of my life. Nobody wants to be lonely so why, why don't you let me love you?" Uplifting, isn't it? Truly uplifting.

True story.

Let's try this

It worked 2 days ago so let's see if I can make it happen again!

Tiffany
Job
Apartment
Vacation
Lottery win
Green Card Lottery win
Cats
HAPPINESS

Denial

Last week, 6 days ago to be exact, my girlfriend left me. After 4 and a half years together, she ended it with me. Maybe one day I can write about it without sounding bitter but for now it's better left unwritten.

They say that there are 5 stages of grief. It starts with denial, which I think I am in. This really didn't happen, did it? She will change her mind, won't she? The past year and and a half I've been kicked around so much that I keep thinking that if I win the lottery or get some money somewhere I can fly over and convince her to change her mind. If I get a job and a place to stay, she'll see I can do this, I can provide for her and she'll change her mind. I just need that one break in my life and it will all turn around. We can have that house together we talked about. We can have kids some day like we talked about. We can go on vacations to places she/we've never been before like we talked about. I can show her Europe like we talked about. We can do all those things that we never did but talked about because we didn't have the money to do them before. All I need is that one break and it'll all be ok. Right?

To move on to happier topics... I got a jury duty summons this week! I know I know, nobody wants to be on jury duty! But when you get a jury summons from the state on NJ when you haven't lived there in 13 months, are not a U.S. citizen and last lived in the state of New York, you ARE happy about it! It made my miserable week, I'll tell you that! Now we just wait for the NY summons to come! LOL!

We don't have juries in Finland so all I know about jury duty is what they show on TV, which is not the reality, what I've heard from people and from Tiffany's experience from last summer. Everybody says it's not fun but I would have done it if it meant they pay for my flights, hotel and food! And as a non/citizen and a person who doesn't even have a green card or any kind of visa anymore and is out of the country, my immediate thought was "is this a way for a citizenship/green cars?" You serve in the US military and you get a citizenship. You serve in a jury and you get a citizenship too, right?

The summons also said I'd be a "petit juror". Does that refer to my size or what the hell is that all about? I know I'm small but seriously, no need for name calling! I have a big ego...or used to at least. Is there a height or weight requirement for "petit juror"?

The summons also threatened you with a contempt of court if you failed to return the questionnaire and answer the questions. Do I wanna be in contempt? What would they do if I was? Come get me from Finland and put me in jail? If I was, would I be able to fly to Newark or would there be a mark in my record indicating I should be arrested as soon as I enter NJ? Could I fly to JFK and be ok? Or would they deny my entrance to USA all together? These are all big questions to ponder...

I filled out the questionnaire online...First questions was "are you a living in Essex county?" No. "Are you a U.S. citizen?" Nope. "Are you mentally fit to serve as a juror and fulfill the duties of a juror properly?" I doubt it... After the questionnaire was done, this is what the computer told me

YOUR RESPONSE INDICATES THAT YOU ARE NOT ELIGIBLE TO SERVE AS A JUROR AT THIS TIME. Please be aware that you may be asked by the Jury Management Office for verification regarding your responses. Do not report for juror service on your summons date unless you are contacted further by the Jury Management Office."

I really wanted to be a juror. This could have been my chance... Maybe next time. All though the Jury Management Office might still contact me...

Maybe I'll be in Newark, NJ on December 8. 

Signs

Signs. They're everywhere. In June when I heard about the possible Rutgers job, all of a sudden there were signs everywhere. All positive. Stickers at the back of cars, posters on the side of a highway advertising degree programs, and people on the news who went to Rutgers. Since I came back and the guy stopped all contact, it's been all bad. A gay student from Rutgers was bullied and jumped off a bridge. And a football player was paralyzed after a tackle on the field.

Neither one of those things don't necessarily make that place a bad work place but I think it's interesting how the news are bad now. It's like the rotten core all of a sudden comes out. First it's all pretty and exciting and then it all implodes in front of you.

Can anyone tell me if rain on your big day is supposed to be a good or a bad thing? Not talking about wedding day but on a day when something important is supposed to happen? Last week's Wednesday, the day before my interview was the most gorgeous fall day ever. I went out for a walk and even though it was crispy, the leafs were changing colors, covering the ground like a blanket and the air was nice and warm in the sun. Then fastforward to Thursday, me in a suit, nice new heels and my hair done (even hairspray which I've used the last time when Johnny and JoeAnn got married!) and it's pouring like there's no tomorrow. I did get my New Yorker on and wore sneakers outside so that my shoes wouldn't get wet but seriously?

Then yesterday I had the European recruiting fair in Turku and I wake up with my sinuses about to explode. I got the flu on Sunday and I think yesterday was the worst day so far. Was seriously thinking about not even going but I had promised to see a friend from high school I haven't seen for over 3 maybe 4 years so I got up and went...took the later bus though. The unemployment agency agreed to pay my travel expenses if I showed them a potential employer from the list of participants and could get them to sign my form. When I got to the fair area I'm looking for the company and couldn't find them. I saw a whole slew of other vendors but Gem was not there...GREAT! I asked the information people and they said that Gem had not showed up nor had they informed anybody about it... So it will remain to be seen whether I'll get my travel expenses paid. RAIN ALL DAY! The seminars were great, well 2,5/4. From the first I only saw the last quarter maybe and he's gay so by association it was great (in English). The "how to become a diplomat" and " how to become a EU bureaucrat" presentations gave me a lot to think about (both in Finnish) and then the "how to find a job in EU area" presentation (in English) was total crap! I hate presenting and I forget my words but I can talk outside the slides too. I might be red as a tomato and in need of a shower but if that's the level of presentation we Finns can give in English...I have a bright bright future! So yeah, that fair was a waste of my time, mostly. But yeah...rain.

iPod's shuffle function is a curious thing. It's like it has a mood sensor and it only plays the music that fits your mood. When you're happy it plays all kinds of up beat songs, when you're in love it plays love songs all day long, when you're exercising it plays all kinds of songs that will give you that one extra push so that you can finish or go on just a little bit more. And when you're sad or heartbroken, that's all it plays. Sad songs that will make you even sadder or songs about lost love(r) that will bring tears to your eyes.

Even if you ignore them or don't know how to interpret them at the time, the signs will all make sense one day.

Gay rights and Christianity

I can't lie, after watching that program last Tuesday, I was reeling but now I've had time to think about it and even though I wish people weren't so narrow minded, I've cooled down a bit.

I think there was a fundamental mistake in the design of the discussion. The issue, as far as I'm concerned and my rights are concerned isn't about the right to get married or have my marriage/civil union blessed by the lutheran Church but to actually get married and have the right to adopt a child by the Finnish constitution/law. I personally don't care whether I can get the church's blessing but apparently there are still a lot of gay people who do. But the real issue is to get equal rights for gay couples. And the church does NOT have any say in the juridical process in Finland. Church is church and parliament is the parliament, the entity that makes the laws. Where were the people who could have talked about the effects to the economy/politics/constitution if we had the right to marry? Is there even such a situation where gay marriage and rights to adopt would be harmful to the society? I'd like to hear the arguments against it from the law standpoint because we all already know the bible's.

I think the 18500+ people who have given up their membership in the lutheran church since last Tuesday speaks volumes as to what Finns think about the issue. According to Iltasanomat, that's almost 6 Million euros away from the church's budget as tax money. That's got to hurt! Tarja Halonen said that she thinks it's great that people discuss about the issue...I think it's awesome that I can feel the love from my fellow Finns and they think it's important that I have the same rights as they do. It might not even be about my rights per se, just the fact that the church is so old fashioned...And Päivi Räsänen does not make it easier for the church.

It's sad that in this day and age there are still people who cannot speak for themselves and who cannot make up their own mind. Her only argument is that the bible says so. Bible is over 2000 years old, the times have changed since then. The people believing in the bible have adapted to the times when it comes to electricity, cell phones, cars and other advancements. Why can't you accept us as human beings and practice the love and acceptance you preach about?

They said it's ok to be a homosexual as long as you don't act on it. You can have those feelings and still live a fulfilling live as heterosexual. WHAT??? Am I supposed to act against everything I feel? You can't help the way you are or feel. I can't act hetero any more than hetero can act gay in their own lives. It is not a choice, it's not something you do because it's in, it's fashionable! Who would wanna be gay if it was a choice when there are narrow minded people on this earth spreading their lies and disgust? It's not that simple people.

One of the people discussing the issue on Tuesday on behalf of the nay sayers said that the church has made few inquiries or researches into how it could integrate gay marriage or blessing into their program and that they just couldn't find a justification for it in the bible. And that the bible is the law and has the final say as far as how the church thinks people and it should act. And that as far as the church and it's structure is concerned, it would be very difficult to accept gay marriage and blessings because then it would open the door for other things that are not in the bible. I can understand that. I just think that it's time to move on and adapt.

Overall, I think it was great that this discussion was organized. I was on facebook the whole 2 hours commenting on people's posts, posting my own views and talking about this. I loved the fact that there were so many people on my friends list so outraged about this. All straight people. Some were more for the equal rights...some were more for against the church...some equally pissed off about both. Made me feel proud to be Finnish and have such an amazing friends. Hopefully Tuesday was a start of something beautiful to come!

btw, as much as I dislike Päivi Räsänen and what she stance for, she does have a right to her opinion. It's not cool to make threats against her or her family because of her believes, just as it's not right to make threats against gays.

See you all at my wedding! ;-) Later!

That's how I see it

I think there should be more people like Elviira and Mikko in this world! It's a shame that they don't wanna have kids because both Finland the rest of the world would really benefit from having people who were raised by so levelheaded and intelligent people!

If you can't beat them, outsmart them!

Maybe good things come to those who announce them?

Since I announced that I'm claiming my life back, which was sometime last week, I got a call this morning inviting me to an interview on Thursday in Helsinki. If this really works, and lets all hope that it does, I'm getting this job!!! You heard it here first unless I already called you...

It's for a company that was established in February and they are in the compressed air system business. What that means exactly, I'm not sure, but I will be studying to find out all day tomorrow! Today I have plans... They are looking for a project manager to manage an international team blah blah blah and travel! I'm all for managing and traveling! I'll be much wiser on Thursday but you'll gonna have to wait because I'll be seeing a long lost friend afterwards so I won't be home till sometime Friday.

The unemployment agency will pay for my travel expenses so I went to fill out the application and then met up with a case worker. As long as I get the interviewer to sign my papers, there should be no problems. I also asked her if they pay my travel expenses if I go to a recruiting fair in Turku next week that I saw on their website. I was going through their job postings for abroad and there was one employer that was gonna be at this fair. She said that it sounds like a great idea, to be pro active and go to a place where there is tens of possible employers and that if I can get one of them sign my paper (I need to apply for it again) it shouldn't be a problem. But she needed to ask her boss to make sure.

Fast forward few hours and she calls me...It can be done as long as I have a particular employer in mind and will fill out the form WITH THE EMPLOYERS NAME IN IT BEFOREHAND. Since I only know that one company that is participating and wasn't really looking to go work for them...it makes it a little difficult. Once again their bureaucracy is coming in between what I want to do and what their rules say...

But, to make things interesting, I am from now on going to try to participate in every recruiting fair possible in the Southern Finland region, find out which companies are going, make the unemployment agency pay and SEE MY FRIENDS as well! I'm seeing Iita on Thursday and staying overnight and next Wednesday I'm having dinner/lunch/drinks/something with my friend Nina in Turku. I'm getting that form signed and they will pay for my social life! They made me wait 2 months before I can apply for unemployment benefits so the least they can do is pay for my social life...eerrrr, travel expenses!

Now we come to the interesting part. Since most of my clothes are in USA, my nice jacket and shoes included, I had to call Elviira and ask her if she can lend me a jacket. My sporty jackets don't really go with my suit! Also, I need to buy shoes...converse and sneakers are probably not suitable with my outfit. I was looking at these heels today but I might have to go back to the store and wear my pants to see if they go together. Or maybe Elviira will be able to lend me those too.

Well anyway...paistaa se aurinko risukasaankin joskus!

Later

I rest my case

I am currently watching the news and they had a segment about the major themes in next springs election. They were immigration and gay rights. One of the big shots of the Finnish party "Kokoomus" which is the National Coalition party, as I just found out after googling it, said on the news that he believes that marriage is between a man and a woman. (NCP is a central/rightish party, kinda like the Republicans.) He also said that NCP is a patriotic party and that home values and issues fall under that patriotism. Which to me says that discrimination is patriotic. If that's the case I think Finland is in deep trouble. I had to post on the FB wall of our local wanna be politician and ask her to explain it to me as she's a member of that party.

The sad thing is that at some point this summer/fall, they were talking about supporting the "sex neutral marriage" reform but then decided against it. Was that a majority ruling or just a political decision, I can't remember. But it INFURIATES me when people who have nothing to do with my life make statements and decisions on my behalf.

Other person who was talking about this was Päivi Räsänen who as a christian democrat has been against gay rights, abortion etc...Just seeing her face makes my blood boil. Lets hope she and Sarah Palin don't ever meet!

If I could take the bullshit, I'd consider politics

I've been doing a lot of thinking the past few months I've been in Finland. There are certain things that are wrong in the world and there are certain things that are wrong both in the U.S. and in Finland. Those issues touch a lot of lives and are close to my heart. I can't obviously do anything about the U.S. politics or the political climate there as I'm not a citizen nor am I living there anymore but there is a lot I could be doing in Finland.

As far as my life is concerned, immigration equality in USA is a major concern. It touches my life and it touches countless others who are either in the country or are separated from their partner because of the immigration law there. As Finland doesn't have that problem when it comes to LGBT immigration, we don't have groups/resources/communities to address or support these people. We have SETA, sexual equality organization which is like the american HRC. I haven't seen anything on their website about binational couples. This summer Finland was about to deport a gay man back to his home country in Africa and it made the headlines but still it was only about a gay african man about to be deported. There was no organization other than SETA to back him up and support his cause. Finland isn't exactly the immigration mecca, either as a wanted destination or by its willingness to accept immigrants so I guess small organizations like that are not really needed. But for those binational couples who have settled down in Finland or in my situation where I'm separated from my partner, little support would be nice. I can, and will join my local SETA chapter as soon as I get a job and settle down, and maybe even suggest a support group for "my people".

Another issue that is very popular in the news and in the political campaigns around Finland right now is immigration in general. There is a new political party that bases its political beliefs around anti-immigration issues. They don't want more immigrants, evacuees or refugees in Finland and are making sure people know about it. When people are unemployed, have little or no money and feel general discontent in their lives, focusing their anger towards foreigners is easy and common. I applied to work as a case worker for immigrants looking for a job from the Helsinki unemployment agency. Whether I will get it remains to be seen. Just like in many other countries, immigrants usually even with a high education end up with the jobs that locals don't want; low paying, dirty, manual jobs that are not "good enough" for the locals. And still we complain that "they come and take our jobs". While I was looking for a job in the States, it was all on me. There was no resources to help me, other than my contacts, friends, family, classmates etc. There were plenty of jobs to be had but there were plenty of people applying for them too. Outside help, had I wanted it, would have cost money. Which I didn't have.

Immigration in USA is viewed as a bad thing. Getting there legally is difficult and getting there legally when you really need to, is almost impossible, as it is and was in my case. Visa running out+no job+not able to get married to your partner= you leave the country. I could have stayed as illegal but what kind of a life would we have had? I have family and friends in Finland which made that scenario impossible too. Had I had to come to Finland for any reason, I wouldn't have been able to go back to the US. That's not a way to build a life. And there was no way for me to get a job legally from USA that way. There would have been the constant fear of getting caught and being deported. We didn't want to pay that price, but a lot of people do every day. Immigration Equality is working every day for those couples, and for us, to make a change in the immigration law to include binational LGBT couples.

USA is the ultimate goal for people who have dreams and who are willing to do whatever to achieve it. With a hard work, they say, you can become rich and achieve your dreams. Which is why so many people want to go there every year. Maybe 200 000 do that legally, millions of others take their chances and do it illegally. In Finland, immigration numbers run in the hundreds, if not in few thousands. Still we complain. I remember back when I was studying in Tampere, my classmates from Africa were looking for jobs and the only thing they could find was cleaning. Were they taking our wanted jobs? I don't think so. They were working on nights and weekends and early mornings, because those were the times that Finns didn't wanna work. Especially to clean. I understand that if we do not help our immigrants to find jobs, learn the language and to integrate into the Finnish society, they will cost us a lot of money. But many of them are highly educated and could contribute if only given the chance. Do you really think anyone would want to voluntarily leave their home country, family, friends, jobs and belongings behind to move to a country where they are hated, they can't get a job, it's dark and cold much of the year and the only thing they are good for is cleaning? I don't think so! So why don't we do something about it?

After following the campaign of a local wanna-be politician, the happenings she is partaking in the name of politics/campaigning and the people she needs to meet, listen and talk to... I don't think I would be able to take it. You meet all these people, you listen to their problems, suggestions and other worries, you try to understand, you make promises and listen to them talk about things that don't necessarily concern or interest you or that you know nothing about...I just couldn't do it. I think my attention span wouldn't make me a good politician. So instead of getting into politics, I will try to make my mark in the grass root level and try to help "my people" in practice. But before I can help others, I will need to help myself.

I would love to be able to decide on my own salary raise though...

Hope everybody is having a good day and week!

I'm claiming my life back

The time for boo hooing is over. Does it suck that I'm away from Tiffany and the kitties? Yes, absolutely! Does it suck that I'm STILL unemployed and there are no job prospects in sight? You betcha! Does it suck that I'm sleeping in my parents living room and basically out of a suitcase? Sure does! But there are so many people out there who have it even worse so I am gonna stop complaining. In stead of feeling sorry for myself, I'll start moving forward.

All good and well in theory but we'll see about the practice!

I got a rejection e-mail from a job that I really liked today. The Nordic environmental standard "Swan" was looking for a specialist to go though the applications. They passed on me. Moving on.

I had an appointment at the social services today. As you know, I'm not getting any unemployment benefits yet so this is what it has come to. This person, my case person, has restored some of my faith in humanity. Last month she gave me enough to pay my bills and have some to spend. This month she upped it without me asking for it. I think my expenses are still just a tad bit higher than what I will be getting but the situation isn't as dire as it might be. I have roof over my head, food in my belly, phone that's working (for now) and internet connection to stay in contact with Tiffany and to look for jobs... some people don't even have that so I will try to be thankful for what I've got.

Speaking of thankful...I am open for donations towards plane tickets to USA for thanksgiving! 553 euros... 750 dollars. Anybody willing to part ways with that money, do not hesitate to contact me!

After living together for over 2 years and being able to see each other and talk to each other every day, getting used to the 7h time difference is very difficult. Having barely any money for phone bills doesn't make things any easier. Skype, as great as it is, requires working, uninterrupted internet connection that seems to be unattainable for us. Either there is interruption on my end or the connection keeps going off on Tiffany's end. Computer to phone skype calls are not all that better, even if they are free. I guess you get what you pay for...which in this case is not whole lot.

The job situation in USA is not looking good for me. I have not heard from the guy at Rutgers since I came to Finland, and my professor who put me in contact with him and has been helping me in my job search, has not heard from him either. It might be that there's nothing to tell, but telling me that would go a long way. How can I work for someone who is so unreliable?

In other job related news though, my professor, Eric, who's real day job was working for the EPA, a federal entity, has resigned and is going to the private sector. As I am not an american, I couldn't have been hired by the EPA. Now that he will be working for a private company, he might be in a position to help me. If there are any positive news, I will let you know. But this could be very good news for me and Tiffany.

In totally unrelated news...in 2004 when I was doing my 6 months of practical training for Loimi-Häme, I rented a room from my parents' neighbors. It was just a room and I had to share a bathroom with a drunken older man who also rented a room from the same house...anyway, I ate and showered etc at my parents house. To make things easier (calling on the phone was just TOO complicated) I bought these walkie talkies for myself and Arttu so that we could go back and forth and they could call me to eat or just to come over. I absolutely LOVED those things... fast forward to 2010 and me back in Finland...I went through my stuff in the attic and guess what I found? My walkie talkies! I bought new batteries for them and we are now going back and forth with Arttu again! I'm on my computer downstairs, he's in his room upstairs...now we can bullshit whenever we want! He is going back to the army for the final 3 days in few hours but after he gets released, it's on!!! I think the range is between 500-1500m, so unfortunately we can't do this while he's away...

I should look into jobs that require communication via walkie talkies... I'm like a kid in a candy store...call me a geek all you want, I love them!

Adulthood

I think I'm in the middle of that 30's crisis, kolmenkympin kriisi as we say in Finland. I woke up one day, I was 30, that dreaded 30, and I was living in my mom's living room. No job, no money, girlfriend and kitties at the other side of the bond...how did this happen?

I remember when I was in first grade and I used to walk across the town after school to go play with Riina. We had been best friends since we were 2 and played together every day in kindergarden. But we lived at the opposite ends of the town so we went to different schools. After school I would walk to her home and we'd play till it was dark and Ybi would take me home or my mom would come pick me up. I doubt kids do that anymore...walk across town to play with friends. Times have changed and people have gone meaner, crazier, madder. It's not safe like that anymore.

I lived through a fairytale. My mom married the dad of my best friend and we became sisters, or step sisters. Isn't that everybody's dream when they are kids? To have your best friend become your sister? Well, like most fairytales, that became a nightmare. She became...not my best friend to the point where I don't necessarily wanna have anything to do with her anymore. I don't have energy for that drama.

I remember as a kid being care free, coming home from school, playing outside with my friends till it got dark outside, doing home work, going to bed and doing the same thing all over a gain the next day...and the next. When did that care freeness stop? As a teenager you wanna turn 18 so that you can go to bars, buy alcohol and "grow up". At 19, when you graduate from high school, you just wanna go to school, get your own place and be independent. You figure you'll graduate, get a job, meet someone, get a house, settle down, start a family.

I spoke with a dear old friend, Iita, yesterday. She helped me through some pretty rough times 6 years ago. We've lost contact during the past 3 years, mostly due to distance, but probably because of general laziness too. That's my reason anyway. We were catching up and talking about our lives...She asked a valid question...When does the real adulthood start? The one where we have great jobs, great partners, great kids and everything is just honky dory? She's still in school but thought that she'd be graduated by now. I'm out of job trying to figure out where to go next...

Are we ever gonna have that one true moment of total bliss where everything is just the way we want to? Or is that an illusion? Are we ever truly be able to appreciate what we have right there and then, in that moment, or will we always have something that we aspire to achieve, gain, reach? I know I cannot go back in time and whatever happens in the future is going to be different and hopefully even better but was I ever truly appreciative of the time I was able to spent with Tiffany or will I always think of it as something that was taken away from me? This time apart will hopefully make us stronger as individuals and as a couple, but right now it does seem like a cruel joke to me. I guess life's cruel jokes are a part of adulthood. So welcome to adulthood Jenni? You'll be stronger for it?

Spoiled apetite

So I had some business in the city today, or not to confuse anyone, at the town center. After I took care of it, I went to Hese to have fries. As I'm sitting there eating, this guy sits down the next table facing me and I realize it's the guy who used to stand in his window naked showing his jewels to the kids who were going to school when we were kids. His house was on the way to my elementary school and during my 5th or 6th grade he used to be there when we were coming home from school. He was about 3 years older than we and at that point went to a different school. We told our teacher, the schools principal and they called the cops. We identified him from old school pictures but beyond that I'm not sure what they did to him.

These days he looks like a sad old, lonely... person. I see him at the basketball games, he's been a fan of FoKoPo since I can remember. Other than that, thankfully I don't see him. Definitely ruined my lunch though.

My love, my Pebl

It seems like the day of heartbreak might be a lot closer than I thought. For a 5 year old phone, my Pebl has been serving me well. There was a 3 year period that it was on the shelf because US phones don't have removable sim cards and I had to get a new phone there. My Pebl wasn't working with the american operators. For the past 2 months I have been happy to be back with my Pebl, but I've noticed it's not working the same anymore. My baby's sick, it doesn't have the energy it used to... and I doubt I can find a new battery for it anymore. Motorola has probably forgotten about my Pebl already... and I have a feeling that a new phone might be cheaper than buying spare parts for Pebl.

About an hour ago a seller from Saunanlahti, a rival cell phone provider to my sonera called me and was trying to lower my bills...she asked me what my monthly cell phone bills has been...I told her for the past 2 months it's been about 8 euros...and she wanted to lower even that! I doubt lady, but nice try! I have been very happy with my cell phone provider and I have been with them for over 10 years...my monthly phone bills has been 2 euros for my entire stay in USA and I have had the same number forever. I can count on my phone working abroad. I am not about to change it and you never know where I will be in few months so no thank you. I told her that much, said good by and hang up. I closed my phone (it's a flip phone) and noticed that the number was visible on the outside screen. It should have gone away after few seconds. I thought maybe the call was still on and for some reason my phone hadn't actually hung up on her. I opened the flip again and nothing!!! It was dead! I closed it again and the number was still showing. I opened it again and finally the wall paper came back! boy was I scared! Kinda felt like by not changing my providers they shut down my phone. They killed Pebl! Now I feel it will be only a matter of time before Pebl will die in its sleep. It'll be a sad day but eventually I'll get over it.

For an older phone, Pebl has been great. It communicates well with my MAC, I can connect it to it via bluetooth. I can transfer pictured I took with my phone to my computer and I could transfer music and pictured to my phone if it had just a teeny tiny bigger of a memory... I think time has past on Pebl but right now I just can't upgrade. One other thing to add to my growing list of things to buy when I get a job.

Will keep you posted. Later

New business cards

Since I'm in Finland now I thought I should update my business cards so that my information is actually correct. You can order free business cards from Vista print and just pay the shipping and handling. That's what I did in USA after my professor told me they would come in handy, you don't necessarily have your resume with you at all time (you NEVER have your resume with you unless you're going to a job interview or a recruiting/job fair) but you always have room in your wallet/bag for few business cards and you never know when you meet up with a potential contact/employer and giving them your card is a great way to be remembered. It's a very useful tool in job hunting.

The selection for the free cards is a little smaller here than it was in USA and I am not as excited about my cards as I was with the first one but having old information with a phone number that doesn't work right now would probably be counterproductive! So I used one of their designs, put my Finnish info in there, pressed "order" and then realized I probably should have added my american number just in case...that way I could have used it both in Finland in the US. Well, you live and you learn. Next time.

I've noticed that there is a difference with the finnish way of communication vs. american. Finns don't really leave voicemails as americans usually do. That way you'll know whether the call was really important and needs to be returned ASAP or if it can wait. We either think that they will call back when they see who the caller was or as a receiver, if it was important the caller will call again. I'm a fan of the american way. Part of the reason why we don;t leave voicemails might be because it's not a standard service and not everybody has it.

Finns are also slower to reply to text messages/e-mails. I feel that I'm in the middle of the american vs. Finnish as in america I could be taken as being rude where I don't necessarily call/text right back and when I say bye on texts, I don't go back and forth time and again. When I'm in Finland I expect people to reply to my calls relatively soon and text me back right away...and when they don't I feel like they are ignoring me. I think with the mergence of iPhones and other smart phones with their applications and music players in the USA, people carry their phones everywhere with them and are in a position to reply right away. Most people in Finland have your basic Nokia that just texts and calls and it is not carried at all times. My pebl, as awesome as it was 5 years ago when I bought it, does not have any apps, doesn't play music and can't be used for playing games. I also receive so few calls and texts that half the time I forget I even have a phone and don't necessarily have it with me at all times. Since my MAC acts as my phone when I call Tiffany via Skype, I don't need my phone for that. I've also noticed that the battery life isn't what it used to and after 20 minute phone call the battery is pretty much dead. Even though Pebl was the greatest phone ever created and is my 4th love of life, I think after my first paycheck it might be time to upgrade. It'll be a sad day but I will need to deal.

Even though my once possible future boss does not want to reply to my e-mails anymore, americans usually reply quickly, even if it's just to say I got your e-mail and will get back to you shortly. Finns reply when they want to. We're slower like that.

More next time. Later

What politicians and athletes have in common?

Ever since I came back to Finland I have been fortunate enough to be able to follow the politics and election campaign of a girl from my home town. She is a candidate here even though she hasn't lived here in about 10 years. She's never been part of the local politics and hasn't served in the town council. I believe her only political experience is from being the chair person of the high school students union back in the day (about 8-10 years ago). Now she is the press assistant for the foreign minister of Finland...which I guess qualifies her to be an elected member of the finnish parliament.

Finland was announced to be the best place to live on earth/world's greatest country whatever whatever on Newsweek few weeks ago. It is based on the education, corruption or lack thereof, political stability and something else... I'm just gonna focus on the no corruption/transparency. We have the most honest politicians around, am I right? Since my arrival 2 months ago we have changed prime minister because he's suspected of being biased on giving out government money to an organization which gave him money for his campaign... that obviously isn't the official reason he left but he gave up his status as prime minister and is now being investigated. A MP from a nearby town was suspected of bribery which just this morning he was cleared, or should I say, the charges were dropped. He was speeding and when pulled over suggested to the cop that they should go get some coffee...major crime, I know, but the cop and the police force took it as a bribery attempt and charged him for it. I hope the number of times I've suggested a cup of coffee to someone isn't gonna come back to haunt me in the future! Now a minister is asked to provide information on her family member owning shares of a mining company. I did not read the article further as it's just gonna infuriate me. In the past few months few other MP's have been suspected of taking money from someone and either not reporting it or the organizations reputation being less than stellar.

This "local" wanna-be politician has been to every possible kissanristiäinen/ cat babtism (that's what we call all the small happenings where the local "cream" gather, where you can get your face seen, meet possible voters, an experience that you just have to have like the opening of the new shopping center, that in the grand scheme of things are not important happenings at all) there is on this area this summer. She has kick started her campaign with a bam. Some people here seem to think that it will bite her in the ass in the end, and I tend to agree. When it's time to vote, people around here have seen so much of her that they don't wanna have anything to do with her anymore. As for me...she represents a party that I would never ever vote for. This situation kind of reminds me of a conversation I had with my Aunt Minna few weeks ago. She told me they had been looking for a person to take care of kids at the kindergarden she works for...and one of the most outrageous applications said that the reason they could do the job was because she had been watching the people who take care of kids at their homes at the park/playground and it didn't look so difficult. No formal education to take care of kids. It's kinda like by working for a minister makes this girl qualified for being a MP. I'm not necessarily saying that she would be bad at it and there really isn't any "qualifications" to meet but to command respect and some kind of authority, I would like her to have some actual political experience, and more so, from Forssa. The only reason she can't do that is because she lives in Helsinki and to be a member of the town council, you NEED to live in that city. So if you can be a candidate here but live in Helsinki, why can't I vote for a candidate who is listed in Helsinki? Fair, I think.

Why I think politicians and athletes are the same? Majority of them are dirty. Maybe not even a majority but they always get caught. I think doping should be allowed in sports just so that the playing field would be even for all. If you think that running a 100m faster than anyone else is so important that it justifies having your balls shrink in a few years time and not being able to have kids, and having major mood swings and becoming violent is worth it, I say go for it! If having a brain aneurism is worth few years at the top of the sports world, be my guest. I would say that lets have the doping olympics and clean olympics but there would always be athletes at the clean olympics who would try to pass as clean but really weren't. What's the point of being clean when Marion Jones won the 100m + other events at the Sydney olympics only to get caught and confess few years later, for the gold medal to be awarded for a greek athlete who later herself got caught for using? Seems like plain old hard work doesn't really get you anywhere. Is few gold medals worth it when you start growing a beard? Even though your a woman? and having your breasts shrink? Your voice lower? Start looking like a man? I guess I cannot understand the appeal as I was never in a position to become a world class athlete. Thanks for that!

I guess the Finnish transparency is working as all these politicians are getting caught and investigated. I don't think it necessarily does any good for the Finnish reputation that we still do have these people who are willing to take campaign money from people and organizations that are less that reputable. Why don't we just open up the campaign funding to any and everybody? You be as blatantly biased as you wish and take money from whom ever. Vote for the things that your funders deem important and the hell with your voters! Let's all get connected!

Later peeps!